Wait, is that a glimmer of hope I see in the deep dark – hiding beneath the shrapnel and shreds. She is tattered and weak but perhaps this Phoenix can be reborn in these ashes one more time?

A gesture of faith- or final surrender… I’m not sure which.

But I am restored just enough to fight again. This time she burns for hope- or she burns it all down to the ground and if she fails this time, I’ll bury her myself.


Can you see me?
Standing here before you.
Do you hear what I’m saying?
The words are soft and meaningful.
But you don’t seem to notice, save for once in a rare while when your world is too quiet to bear. Then you catch a glimpse, a glimmer of me- and I can tell when I’ve caught your eye. It’s fleeting and yet I try so hard, and wait all day for it… for my chance to exist.
But as soon as it comes it’s gone.
So I stand here before you. Alone… Invisible.

Something happened over time, though I discovered it all in one day… I realized I had lost my softness, yet didn’t quite gain the hard edge that might protect me…. I just sort of dissolved. It’s as though pieces of myself just fell away, into nothingness, like drops of rain from a cloud… a little at a time, drip, drop, until all that was left was the image of who I once was. Interactive, yet hollow. Conscious yet impossible to hold on to.
And there was no room for resentment or blame. The transformation was complete and there was no going back.
And I wondered if this was what I’d accidentally wished for?
I remembered being an ugly duck wishing to transform into something else, something invulnerable to the painful scrutiny of others…
And it dawned on me that yes, this is was the only magic I’d ever performed…
I made a girl disappear.

The Hush is coming.
I can sense it all around.
Dark shadowy tendrils reaching for me, whispers in velvet, elusive yet Burgeoning… Drifting Closer… Closer.
A raging quiet, building like a storm, surrounding me in smoky clouds of inky reticence…
The shroud of silence rises and falls upon me, leaving me restrained and obscured, muted and still.
I sink into it, unable to resist… Further and deeper until all else is snuffed out- and there is nothing left- only the hush…

From the moment we are born, and that first glimmer of light penetrates our primitive eyes, we are part of it.
We try to understand it, dissect it, lay it all out in a linear form, chart it, graph it, narrow it down into decorative boxes inside boxes inside more boxes still… We follow it and plan for it, we plot it, revisit it, remember it and look forward to it. We try to steal it, slow it down, stretch it out, run away from it, chase it down, and still we always eventually miss it. We are all bound to it, and bound together by it. We cannot change it, lie to it, or ever escape that we eventually, and inevitably, give every last speck of who and what we are to it. And it gives all of what it can to us, and when it stops… So too, do we.
Slaves to time, are we.

Again exposed, for none to see
A secret room where I can be
Released from cupboard box and bows
To be the girl that no one knows
Fully confident and strong
Dancing to a private song
Outside a world that locked away
The shining light and love of play
The witching hour nears it’s end
So cherish now this time we spend
Outside the box and off the shelf
The only time I am myself
A girl that’s free, a soul that’s true
A girl in love with only you
Until you shut me off again
And I will wear a different skin
A girl you’d hardly recognize
Because you compartmentalized
The heart and soul I gave you here
But you lock me up and hide from fear
Of giving in to happiness
Or showing signs of some weakness
Im Put aside and filed away
Till next time you want to play
Don’t be surprised to one day see
I’ve run away, escaped and free

Oh you tripped and you tumbled and fell from a star
And you bruised and you bled then you started to scar
You were brighter than fire
Now you’re blacker than tar
And the earth that surrounds you has been scorched into char
And I saw and I spied and I watched from afar
As you sank and you struggled and became what you are
And they drove up to claim you in shiny black cars
And they watched you die slowly
Locked up in a jar

Following the general rule of my life… I’m changing things up again…
Cant allow myself to get too comfortable in a rut.
I’ve got to keep moving forward until I’ve found my perfect slice of happiness.
Carving it a little here and there as I go… But now it’s time to break the mold again.
I’ve been keeping to myself.  Quiet and anti-social. It suited me for a while, but it is becoming like a security blanket… anytime anything happens I duck out of view and POOF!
I’m tired of Poofing.
So I figure its about time to start putting myself out there…

but I’m *scared* to put myself out there….
I’m afraid of getting hurt… again…

And to that I am going to apply a little bit of wisdom that my new boss imparted upon me last week…
He said “yeah, you’ve been through a lot… but GET OVER IT! – Have fun! Live your life.”

Okay that’s what I’m going to try now.  I think I’m ready and I’ve got things under control now.
I know who I am, and what I want, and certainly have plenty of experience with what I DON’T want…

I’m going to try something new… have some fun… meet some people… and all the while I’m going to just be me. {which is really the only person I could be, since I don’t have any kind of personality disorders or anything…}
And, yes… I am afraid to be “out there”  since it’s so much safer “in here” as I’ve mentioned before… But, I’ll get over it. =)

I’ll write again… soonish.
I plan on having some fun and interesting stories to share.

If you’re dropped into a foreign environment – you either evolve to survive, or perish.
So far, I haven’t perished… not even close.

It’s been a while… several months since my last post. I may have lost my feel for this. I guess we’ll see…
Here’s whats new:

New job {err, newer new job}
More confidence
Happier kids
Other than that, more of the same.
I’m still a work in progress, but aren’t we all?
My kids are doing better than ever, having both made the honor roll.
It’s the first time for my youngest, he’s had many hurdles to overcome – from his bone marrow condition, to his vision impairment, he started learning to read 4 years after he should have…
and now he’s caught up quite nicely.  He still has to work harder than most, and he struggles sometimes.. but he always puts in that extra effort to get the work done, and done right! I’m so very proud! 
My oldest just turned 16 and has several colleges courting him – nothing Ivy League so far, but its early yet… lol.
I’m a lucky, and extremely proud mom.

I’m enjoying my new job, the company I work for is pretty great.
I briefly worked elsewhere, it didn’t last long,  I’m so glad to be out of that interesting new brand of hell. I had many promises made to me, but none came to fruition, or ever could really, the company was run very poorly, and the owner was one of the most obnoxious, repugnant creatures I’ve dealt with in quite a while…
2 years, in fact… Yup, my divorce began 2 whole years ago.  Still isn’t finalized… So much for filing “no-fault” just to get it over with as quickly as possible…SMH… 
Never the less, it continues on… as things often do.

Still single –  My choice. It’s just simpler this way… I’m not ready to put myself out there again, just to be disappointed, or disgusted. The last one was fooling around with a girl HALF his age, even I had 11 years on her… I’m so done with putting up with that kind of shameful, selfish, immature, behavior. I swear, the men I’ve met in my life are far worse than the stereotypes that women cook up. Go figure.
I don’t intend to bash men in my post… There are plenty of good ones… “Out-There” Which is a place I routinely avoid… I’m quite comfy with good-ole, safe, familiar in here.
See, I was already quite violently dropped into unfamiliar territory when I became a single mom… I began to evolve and adapt, and then promptly created a quiet, cozy little niche for myself and my kids… 
This is expected to change at some point… I know. But I’m good right now.

I’ve changed so much… This once frightened mouse of a girl, whom needed permission for everything… I couldn’t do, say or *Think* ANYTHING without fearing whether I’d be “in trouble” or not. Even down to my hair color, and style. I HAD to be blonde… no choice.  Now I’m a redhead… and I love it. It suits me, and it’s so much healthier… I use organic Henna.  – But, I digress… this isn’t about my hair… or my Ex… just really meant as an update on my life as I evolve and adapt…
I will continue to do so until my life is just right… But it’s getting there… Every day, just a little closer.

I think the bottom line is that right now, I’m not just surviving… but thriving!

Oh brother, here they come again…
“THE Holidays”

As we entered the final quarter of each year, I began to feel the trepidation, as they sort of loom in the not so far off distance…
Every year I try to battle my trepidations with same old method of trying to look at them from new and inventive perspectives.
The general theory behind that is; each year being different, each year yielding different lessons and experiences, leaves me slightly different from the year before. Therefore it shouldn’t be hard to find a new perspective. It’s almost expected…

This is my second year as a single mother.
This year has been chock-a-block full of life altering, personality molding, wisdom earning experience
Has it changed that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of the holiday season…?
Not exactly.
Lets face it, some changes don’t always yield the tangible positive end results we expect from them…
Yup, I still get knots around the holidays…
Now,  Don’t get me wrong, I have more than ever to be grateful for… and I am… Deeply indescribably grateful…
It seems the more I go through, the more I can appreciate having gotten through it. Thankful that I’m not down and out. But instead, Moving forward in an upward angle. I have become a living testament to that old phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” This is invariably true in my life.
And I certainly shouldn’t downplay how incredibly lucky I’ve been thus far. For every pitfall I’ve run across,  There has always been a way out. Many of you might consider me blessed. I wouldn’t discount that assessment, as I’ve got no reasonable explanation that would better suffice.
However, there are still holiday drawbacks that weigh on my mind…  for example, Its no fun to be to be so far away from family at Christmas.  I was hoping to be in CO with my sister and nephew this year for the holidays, or at least for my nephews first birthday {which just passed}… and it’s hard to think on how much they miss us, and want to be with us at the holidays, and we just can’t make it.
Obviously, the holidays are never easy on any single parent… the shopping, hiding gifts, decorating the house, picking a tree, carefully choreographing the finances to accommodate everything, the wrapping and cooking, and then there’s the aftermath! Phew! it’s a lot for 2 people… its positively daunting for ONE.
And then there’s the actuality of being alone as it pertains to me personally… No one to kiss under the mistletoe, or as the new year’s ball drops… you know, that  stuff… Blah! 
I’ve learned the most in that  area of my life over the past year…
I learned not to take these things so seriously.  There’s just no need to.  Its just so much easier to let the pieces fall where they may… and just live MY life.
The ability to get along, without expectations, has made me a MUCH happier and healthier person.  And because I can just relax about it, being alone simply doesn’t suck as much… It’s still does a little at Christmas, but not as much, and it WILL pass…
Now that aside, I wonder –  what am I really looking at this holiday season…?
Another WONDERFUL Christmas with my amazing boys.
A Custom, Made-to-order, Marvelously Crazy, full of laughter, full of love, full of a deep rooted appreciation for all we have, family holiday that will go down in the kids memories as another year that we pulled it off, and made something fantastic happen, against the odds.
And that right there makes all the fretting, the extra stress, the financial tango, and the clean-up so very worth it…