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Wait, is that a glimmer of hope I see in the deep dark – hiding beneath the shrapnel and shreds. She is tattered and weak but perhaps this Phoenix can be reborn in these ashes one more time?

A gesture of faith- or final surrender… I’m not sure which.

But I am restored just enough to fight again. This time she burns for hope- or she burns it all down to the ground and if she fails this time, I’ll bury her myself.


Can you see me?
Standing here before you.
Do you hear what I’m saying?
The words are soft and meaningful.
But you don’t seem to notice, save for once in a rare while when your world is too quiet to bear. Then you catch a glimpse, a glimmer of me- and I can tell when I’ve caught your eye. It’s fleeting and yet I try so hard, and wait all day for it… for my chance to exist.
But as soon as it comes it’s gone.
So I stand here before you. Alone… Invisible.

The Hush is coming.
I can sense it all around.
Dark shadowy tendrils reaching for me, whispers in velvet, elusive yet Burgeoning… Drifting Closer… Closer.
A raging quiet, building like a storm, surrounding me in smoky clouds of inky reticence…
The shroud of silence rises and falls upon me, leaving me restrained and obscured, muted and still.
I sink into it, unable to resist… Further and deeper until all else is snuffed out- and there is nothing left- only the hush…

If you’re dropped into a foreign environment – you either evolve to survive, or perish.
So far, I haven’t perished… not even close.

It’s been a while… several months since my last post. I may have lost my feel for this. I guess we’ll see…
Here’s whats new:

New job {err, newer new job}
More confidence
Happier kids
Other than that, more of the same.
I’m still a work in progress, but aren’t we all?
My kids are doing better than ever, having both made the honor roll.
It’s the first time for my youngest, he’s had many hurdles to overcome – from his bone marrow condition, to his vision impairment, he started learning to read 4 years after he should have…
and now he’s caught up quite nicely.  He still has to work harder than most, and he struggles sometimes.. but he always puts in that extra effort to get the work done, and done right! I’m so very proud! 
My oldest just turned 16 and has several colleges courting him – nothing Ivy League so far, but its early yet… lol.
I’m a lucky, and extremely proud mom.

I’m enjoying my new job, the company I work for is pretty great.
I briefly worked elsewhere, it didn’t last long,  I’m so glad to be out of that interesting new brand of hell. I had many promises made to me, but none came to fruition, or ever could really, the company was run very poorly, and the owner was one of the most obnoxious, repugnant creatures I’ve dealt with in quite a while…
2 years, in fact… Yup, my divorce began 2 whole years ago.  Still isn’t finalized… So much for filing “no-fault” just to get it over with as quickly as possible…SMH… 
Never the less, it continues on… as things often do.

Still single –  My choice. It’s just simpler this way… I’m not ready to put myself out there again, just to be disappointed, or disgusted. The last one was fooling around with a girl HALF his age, even I had 11 years on her… I’m so done with putting up with that kind of shameful, selfish, immature, behavior. I swear, the men I’ve met in my life are far worse than the stereotypes that women cook up. Go figure.
I don’t intend to bash men in my post… There are plenty of good ones… “Out-There” Which is a place I routinely avoid… I’m quite comfy with good-ole, safe, familiar in here.
See, I was already quite violently dropped into unfamiliar territory when I became a single mom… I began to evolve and adapt, and then promptly created a quiet, cozy little niche for myself and my kids… 
This is expected to change at some point… I know. But I’m good right now.

I’ve changed so much… This once frightened mouse of a girl, whom needed permission for everything… I couldn’t do, say or *Think* ANYTHING without fearing whether I’d be “in trouble” or not. Even down to my hair color, and style. I HAD to be blonde… no choice.  Now I’m a redhead… and I love it. It suits me, and it’s so much healthier… I use organic Henna.  – But, I digress… this isn’t about my hair… or my Ex… just really meant as an update on my life as I evolve and adapt…
I will continue to do so until my life is just right… But it’s getting there… Every day, just a little closer.

I think the bottom line is that right now, I’m not just surviving… but thriving!

Its so nice to be able to wake up early again,
Get up and start my day, without that nagging weight of depression hanging on my shoulders.
My life is so much more simple than it once was, and I think I’ve finally gotten the hang of not complicating things in my own mind.
With this simplified approach to everything life has certainly been more enjoyable.
I’m pretty non-committal about nearly everything so that I don’t have any unnecessary pressure on me.
No expectations = less disappointment. So long as I know I am doing the right thing, and at the end of the day nothing devastating happens, I’m perfectly happy.
I still have my long term goals fixed in place, and I’m moving in the right direction, but with less to worry about in the short term, the more progress i can make… =)
I’ve been flexable with everything, and the lack of seriousness has made for a great deal of random laughter. =)

I feel like I have a newfound friendship with Joy again…
It’s been so long since the last time I really felt this good.
I’ve gone through all my phases of grief and disenchantment with the outside world and I’m happy again.
On my own… without the need for anyone else to help or give their approval.

I have this unfettered ability to appreciate everything I’ve got…
I’m improving at ignoring the BS…
and things are just falling into place.

Oh, Its so good to be happy again!
To having things move in the right direction with so much less friction!
It’s a huge relief, and I am truly enjoying the peace in my heart and mind that comes along with it.
Even my kids are feeling the change, They are less worried, bicker less, more interested in the real world and finally pulling away from the video games more.
No matter how much I tried, it simply was impossible to keep them from knowing that I was stressed out. And telling them that “everything is fine”  only made it worse.
But everything really is fine. Looking up even… And we just keep on keeping on.


His skin is smooth, like mine
And feels like heaven when we touch
His hands are soft, like mine
As they gently caress my face.
His lips are full, like mine
As he passionately kisses me.
His heart is red, like mine
And beating to the rhythm of our love
His eyes are deep, like mine
And they see through me, to my core
His soul is connected to mine
And I will forever love him
His eyes, his heart, his lips, his hands
His skin, in which, lives the man I love.

You find comfort in the grey blanket overcast sky… And revel in the calm before the storm.
I am the storm that drifts in and out of your life, sometimes as a gentle rain… Sometimes as a violent downpour.
Our love is an infinite dance. Eternally written into the universe in the stars, in the sea, in the sand, it’s whispered in the winds and roars through the thundering clouds…

I’m intoxicated by the intensity of my desire
It’s a potent elixir that draws me to you
Spellbound, as my head spins with the memory of your touch
Fantasizing about our next encounter
Chemistry, a potion that hangs on your lips with every kiss.
An addictive rush that sets in like poison,
There is no cure, only the craving for more
Drunk on lust, I feel myself let go, let you take over
Take control, I respond to your every move.
You hunger for it
To push my boundaries
To watch my reactions
Revel in the danger
You are addicted too.

There’s a compartment in my heart where I keep my treasures locked away,
but I’ll give my key to you tonight…
if only for tonight.
music sparkles all around this dark and sacred space,
and I’ll share my songs with you tonight…
if only for tonight.
sweetest memories Shimmering like strings of pearls,
I’ll cut them loose for you tonight…
if only for tonight.
Experiences that shaped me, in golden boxes topped with bows,
but I’ll display them here for you tonight…
if only for tonight.
The dust and cobwebs are swept away, the drapes opened wide,
to shed silver moonlight on my secrets for you tonight, if only for tonight.
I’ll take out the fine china a pour a cup of tea for you tonight, if only for tonight.
And I’ll share everything with you tonight. But only for tonight.

A single drop of blood is drawn
and a fiercesome war is waged
A call to arms and I become
a soldier in my sisters army
Scantly prepared for whats to come
But no one ever is
There will be many battles
The first will be to conquer fear
with love and support
Then maintain bravery
in the face of the enemy
This unwarranted invasion
She alone cannot fight
the cure is almost as terrifying as the cancer
I keep wishing “If only love could save her”
She’d never have to fear again
I’d give her all that she could bare
But now she’s up against a most fearsome foe
I will not let her face alone
So I pick up my sword
And prepare for war.