Oh brother, here they come again…
“THE Holidays”

As we entered the final quarter of each year, I began to feel the trepidation, as they sort of loom in the not so far off distance…
Every year I try to battle my trepidations with same old method of trying to look at them from new and inventive perspectives.
The general theory behind that is; each year being different, each year yielding different lessons and experiences, leaves me slightly different from the year before. Therefore it shouldn’t be hard to find a new perspective. It’s almost expected…

This is my second year as a single mother.
This year has been chock-a-block full of life altering, personality molding, wisdom earning experience
Has it changed that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of the holiday season…?
Not exactly.
Lets face it, some changes don’t always yield the tangible positive end results we expect from them…
Yup, I still get knots around the holidays…
Now,  Don’t get me wrong, I have more than ever to be grateful for… and I am… Deeply indescribably grateful…
It seems the more I go through, the more I can appreciate having gotten through it. Thankful that I’m not down and out. But instead, Moving forward in an upward angle. I have become a living testament to that old phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” This is invariably true in my life.
And I certainly shouldn’t downplay how incredibly lucky I’ve been thus far. For every pitfall I’ve run across,  There has always been a way out. Many of you might consider me blessed. I wouldn’t discount that assessment, as I’ve got no reasonable explanation that would better suffice.
However, there are still holiday drawbacks that weigh on my mind…  for example, Its no fun to be to be so far away from family at Christmas.  I was hoping to be in CO with my sister and nephew this year for the holidays, or at least for my nephews first birthday {which just passed}… and it’s hard to think on how much they miss us, and want to be with us at the holidays, and we just can’t make it.
Obviously, the holidays are never easy on any single parent… the shopping, hiding gifts, decorating the house, picking a tree, carefully choreographing the finances to accommodate everything, the wrapping and cooking, and then there’s the aftermath! Phew! it’s a lot for 2 people… its positively daunting for ONE.
And then there’s the actuality of being alone as it pertains to me personally… No one to kiss under the mistletoe, or as the new year’s ball drops… you know, that  stuff… Blah! 
I’ve learned the most in that  area of my life over the past year…
I learned not to take these things so seriously.  There’s just no need to.  Its just so much easier to let the pieces fall where they may… and just live MY life.
The ability to get along, without expectations, has made me a MUCH happier and healthier person.  And because I can just relax about it, being alone simply doesn’t suck as much… It’s still does a little at Christmas, but not as much, and it WILL pass…
Now that aside, I wonder –  what am I really looking at this holiday season…?
Another WONDERFUL Christmas with my amazing boys.
A Custom, Made-to-order, Marvelously Crazy, full of laughter, full of love, full of a deep rooted appreciation for all we have, family holiday that will go down in the kids memories as another year that we pulled it off, and made something fantastic happen, against the odds.
And that right there makes all the fretting, the extra stress, the financial tango, and the clean-up so very worth it…

So much has happened since my last post, but the general lesson learned has been that my recent positivity, and hard work combined with a dash of good luck, has seemingly become my recipe for a happier me!

Or so it seems lately, anyhow… Doors and windows have begun to open for me, and it feels so good to be truly out from under the rock I’ve been crushed by for so long!
I’ve reached a cross roads in my life, and I’m moving forward on a positive path.
I’ve found a new job {or, I should say – it found me…} and the potential for personal growth there is quite grand.
I’m excited, Motovated, and feeling a sort of pride.
I am proud that my efforts and endeavors have not gone unnoticed nor unnappreciated and I’m finally getting my chance to really climb to new heights.
It’s a little scary, because I’m completely on my own here… but I KNOW that I can do this.
I know I will work hard and do my best, and not give up.  And thats the best I can offer, but that should be plenty to build a success story out of this lovely new opportunity.  =)
I feel as though the pieces are really starting to come together in  my life.
I’m not looking to jynx it, and I’m not bragging.  I just HAD to share/ update.
I’m hopeful that things will continue to flow smoothly along this same current towards a bright shiny future for my family.
=)
Much Love to all! ❤

Its so nice to be able to wake up early again,
Get up and start my day, without that nagging weight of depression hanging on my shoulders.
My life is so much more simple than it once was, and I think I’ve finally gotten the hang of not complicating things in my own mind.
With this simplified approach to everything life has certainly been more enjoyable.
I’m pretty non-committal about nearly everything so that I don’t have any unnecessary pressure on me.
No expectations = less disappointment. So long as I know I am doing the right thing, and at the end of the day nothing devastating happens, I’m perfectly happy.
I still have my long term goals fixed in place, and I’m moving in the right direction, but with less to worry about in the short term, the more progress i can make… =)
I’ve been flexable with everything, and the lack of seriousness has made for a great deal of random laughter. =)

I feel like I have a newfound friendship with Joy again…
It’s been so long since the last time I really felt this good.
I’ve gone through all my phases of grief and disenchantment with the outside world and I’m happy again.
On my own… without the need for anyone else to help or give their approval.

I have this unfettered ability to appreciate everything I’ve got…
I’m improving at ignoring the BS…
and things are just falling into place.

Oh, Its so good to be happy again!
To having things move in the right direction with so much less friction!
It’s a huge relief, and I am truly enjoying the peace in my heart and mind that comes along with it.
Even my kids are feeling the change, They are less worried, bicker less, more interested in the real world and finally pulling away from the video games more.
No matter how much I tried, it simply was impossible to keep them from knowing that I was stressed out. And telling them that “everything is fine”  only made it worse.
But everything really is fine. Looking up even… And we just keep on keeping on.

So, there we have it folks, I have posted several of my many drafts, unfinished or barely begun pieces.
Welcome into the labyrinth of my mind. =)
I embrace my randomness every day.

I hope maybe one or all of you will find a strand here and make something of it.
Please feel free to contact me with whatever you come up with -also, ideas and suggestions are always welcome.

I cannot promise these will remain posted {as-is} for very long…
Like I’ve said before, with some luck, perhaps I will transform them into something more complete.
there is a certain sense of relief in having set these drafts free for a while…
Kind of like “cleaning house” and the transient comfort of having saved these bits and pieces from the trash, where so many have gone before…

As always, I wish everyone much love!

….

His skin is smooth, like mine
And feels like heaven when we touch
His hands are soft, like mine
As they gently caress my face.
His lips are full, like mine
As he passionately kisses me.
His heart is red, like mine
And beating to the rhythm of our love
His eyes are deep, like mine
And they see through me, to my core
His soul is connected to mine
And I will forever love him
His eyes, his heart, his lips, his hands
His skin, in which, lives the man I love.

You find comfort in the grey blanket overcast sky… And revel in the calm before the storm.
I am the storm that drifts in and out of your life, sometimes as a gentle rain… Sometimes as a violent downpour.
Our love is an infinite dance. Eternally written into the universe in the stars, in the sea, in the sand, it’s whispered in the winds and roars through the thundering clouds…

I’m intoxicated by the intensity of my desire
It’s a potent elixir that draws me to you
Spellbound, as my head spins with the memory of your touch
Fantasizing about our next encounter
Chemistry, a potion that hangs on your lips with every kiss.
An addictive rush that sets in like poison,
There is no cure, only the craving for more
Drunk on lust, I feel myself let go, let you take over
Take control, I respond to your every move.
You hunger for it
To push my boundaries
To watch my reactions
Revel in the danger
You are addicted too.

There’s a compartment in my heart where I keep my treasures locked away,
but I’ll give my key to you tonight…
if only for tonight.
music sparkles all around this dark and sacred space,
and I’ll share my songs with you tonight…
if only for tonight.
sweetest memories Shimmering like strings of pearls,
I’ll cut them loose for you tonight…
if only for tonight.
Experiences that shaped me, in golden boxes topped with bows,
but I’ll display them here for you tonight…
if only for tonight.
The dust and cobwebs are swept away, the drapes opened wide,
to shed silver moonlight on my secrets for you tonight, if only for tonight.
I’ll take out the fine china a pour a cup of tea for you tonight, if only for tonight.
And I’ll share everything with you tonight. But only for tonight.

A single drop of blood is drawn
and a fiercesome war is waged
A call to arms and I become
a soldier in my sisters army
Scantly prepared for whats to come
But no one ever is
There will be many battles
The first will be to conquer fear
with love and support
Then maintain bravery
in the face of the enemy
This unwarranted invasion
She alone cannot fight
the cure is almost as terrifying as the cancer
I keep wishing “If only love could save her”
She’d never have to fear again
I’d give her all that she could bare
But now she’s up against a most fearsome foe
I will not let her face alone
So I pick up my sword
And prepare for war.

I have known a sadness deep in a place I didnt know existed… My whole life, my whole world, it all changed at every corner… new angles, new views, new perceptions of the old me… a window opened just enough for me to see the sky, smell the air, let some light in to this dusky grey space I’ve been living in… You made me want something more… more than what I was used to… More than I could have ever previously imagined… and there it was, before my eyes, a beautiful dream, vibrant and alive.

Love.

I reached out my hand and tried to become a part of this awe inspiring landscape, only to discover that it was simply a mirage, conjured up in my own mind… As it vanished, so too did you, and all the angles slowly returned to their former shape… But the grey seems a little duller, and the dusk a little dimmer… the confinement to this space feels like a cruelty now, rather than my previous sense of safety… Imprisoned now from a world I never would have known existed, if not for you.

I lust for freedom.