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A mothers greatest fear is that of harm coming to her children.
I will stop at nothing to protect my kids… Even facing the possibility of arrest isn’t enough for me to lay down and let them come to harm.

Here’s the story:

Anyone that knows me, knows I am going through a really rough divorce from an abusive man that I was married to for 15 years. We have 2 children together. I have sole and exclusive custody and he has 1 day visitation weekly, with our youngest son only.  The oldest, {having taken a stand against his father for risking his life and safety by driving 110 mph, in an effort to intimidate and terrorize him}, was shunned by his father and they no longer have anything to do with each other. {This is sad, on so many levels, for so many reasons} The youngest, however, was not involved in the incident and in his guileless innocence still deeply desires his fathers acceptance. Visitation continues to be an issue though, the X shows up when he feels like it, and is inconsistent. Doesn’t tend to our sons basic needs such as proper meals, or proper supervision, tending to boo-boos, Etc…  He generally overall has no interest in being a “dad” and that is abundantly clear more and more as time goes by.  These issues come up regularly, yet the court system here still feels that a bad father is better than no father. -Okay, I can understand why they would take that standpoint… and in a lot of circumstances I can even respect that… but you see, the courts are now trying to adjust the visitation schedule for every other weekend sleepovers… This is a very bad idea.  Compounding the innumerable reasons as to why this is detrimental for my son and his well being… History repeated itself yesterday… With my child in the front seat of the vehicle, he drove at speeds up to 105 mph, and nearly couldn’t stop in time to avoid hitting a truck. Thankfully, with the nose of his car just underneath the back of the truck, he got the car to screech to a halt before killing my son, and himself. {Too damn close! I wish someone would have called in a report on that} According to my son, he was then sworn to secrecy, and warned not to ever tell his mother {me.}. Out of pure fear, my son did not tell me… But he did tell his big brother… who told me, while on the phone with his law guardian… Ugh!!  The nightmare begins again…
My living hell, of putting my precious child in the car with a man I know to be a monster… and not knowing if I will ever see him in one piece again… makes my life a never ending cycle of fear, broken down week by week by excruciating week.  I hoped with what little hope I had left, that this wouldn’t happen again. That somehow some part of his brain started functioning enough to learn from his mistakes, if not for the kids, well, maybe at least to keep from getting himself into trouble.  No such luck.

Terror stricken, I find myself in a unique position of having to protect my children from their father… and from the court system that would throw them to the proverbial wolves…
I have to make a terrible choice – between standing up for my kids safety and well being, and possibly being found in contempt of court, and all that comes with that. {arrest, arraignment, subsequent consequences}
Or – lay down and simply accept that I must allow the court system to make the decision to amend the visitation schedule which would potentially be of terminal consequences… and live every other week knowing that there is a good chance that one day my sweet beloved precious boy will not be coming home alive.

You see, there really is no choice here – is there…?

I have never in my life broken the law.  I have never in my life been a “bad girl”. I always live by the motto “do the right thing” and “treat others as you would have them treat you” .
-I truly believe the right thing to do is to fight for my children’s safety no matter what. 
I’m very nervous.  Downright scared. Sequestered to “mother’s hell”.
I suppose I will be blogging next week about what has become of this matter.

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“They” say: “Home is where the heart is.”
{I’m not sure who “they” are but they are always saying something interesting.}

When most people think of this phrase, it conjurs up warm thoughts of their own home, family and more than likely their mother.
As  a mother, this phrase takes on new meaning. As a single mother, this new meaning has an even broader impact.
I find myself writing about being a single mother a lot lately. Most likely because this has become what my life is about, and as time goes by and I more settled into this role, I also feel more comfortable writing about it. I’m still learning as I go, details still need ironing out, and sometimes tensions run high… So here I am again, writing about things at home, and I suspect this will come off a bit like a rant. It pretty much is.

I have found myself thinking long and hard about what my kids minds will conjure up when they are adults and they hear that “home is where the heart is”? 
Will it be that they will remember all the fun silly things we do together?  Will they remember how very loved they are?

Or will they remember that mom was always busy, and stressed out, and the house was in disarray more often than not?
The former is far more appealing and comforting than the latter but both are the reality. This made me pretty sad because it’s *my job* to make sure that our home – no matter where it may be – is where the heart is.
Where is the heart in all the frustration, and stress, and mess?  It’s there, but it gets cluttered up, and then it can be like a scavenger hunt.  When it gets to this point, I feel like the only way to rectify the situation is to simplify my life.
I shut down in a lot of ways, and refocus on home, happiness and at the heart of it all – my children.

The first thing to go… Social networks {Facebook}  it’s a frivolous distraction, a guilty pleasure – yes, but very unnecessary and a time killer.  Social events – They constantly come up, and I feel a lot of pressure to participate, but I really cannot. It’s nice to break free from my life, to some degree, once in a blue, but this too can become excessive and draining.  Dating – uhm… riiiight. So, that’s out of the question right now… regardless.  I had been going to a writing class, it was a free class and it certainly has helped me out a lot, but unfortunately its on a weeknight and is a considerable distance from my home and work. It too became too much and I had to stop going. One more night each week at home, to cook a real dinner so my kids and I can sit down and talk, catch up on laundry {my nemesis}, and maybe {just maybe} once I’ve got things in order {it’ll happen, I swear!} I can possibly just *relax*…{?} I’ll have time to go back to my  time eating, guilty pleasures and distractions later on. 
I still have numerous divorce related court appearances to make, which also means meetings with my lawyer, bringing the kids to their law guardians, not to mention doctors visits, family counselling and school related meetings.  So, the schedule is certainly full enough – thank you very much…

Any little bit of peace and quiet, or moment to bond with my kids that I can possibly stitch together can only help in the process of weaving together a tapestry of warm and loving memories for my kids to look back on when they are older.  ❤