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Something happened over time, though I discovered it all in one day… I realized I had lost my softness, yet didn’t quite gain the hard edge that might protect me…. I just sort of dissolved. It’s as though pieces of myself just fell away, into nothingness, like drops of rain from a cloud… a little at a time, drip, drop, until all that was left was the image of who I once was. Interactive, yet hollow. Conscious yet impossible to hold on to.
And there was no room for resentment or blame. The transformation was complete and there was no going back.
And I wondered if this was what I’d accidentally wished for?
I remembered being an ugly duck wishing to transform into something else, something invulnerable to the painful scrutiny of others…
And it dawned on me that yes, this is was the only magic I’d ever performed…
I made a girl disappear.

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The Hush is coming.
I can sense it all around.
Dark shadowy tendrils reaching for me, whispers in velvet, elusive yet Burgeoning… Drifting Closer… Closer.
A raging quiet, building like a storm, surrounding me in smoky clouds of inky reticence…
The shroud of silence rises and falls upon me, leaving me restrained and obscured, muted and still.
I sink into it, unable to resist… Further and deeper until all else is snuffed out- and there is nothing left- only the hush…

From the moment we are born, and that first glimmer of light penetrates our primitive eyes, we are part of it.
We try to understand it, dissect it, lay it all out in a linear form, chart it, graph it, narrow it down into decorative boxes inside boxes inside more boxes still… We follow it and plan for it, we plot it, revisit it, remember it and look forward to it. We try to steal it, slow it down, stretch it out, run away from it, chase it down, and still we always eventually miss it. We are all bound to it, and bound together by it. We cannot change it, lie to it, or ever escape that we eventually, and inevitably, give every last speck of who and what we are to it. And it gives all of what it can to us, and when it stops… So too, do we.
Slaves to time, are we.

Following the general rule of my life… I’m changing things up again…
Cant allow myself to get too comfortable in a rut.
I’ve got to keep moving forward until I’ve found my perfect slice of happiness.
Carving it a little here and there as I go… But now it’s time to break the mold again.
I’ve been keeping to myself.  Quiet and anti-social. It suited me for a while, but it is becoming like a security blanket… anytime anything happens I duck out of view and POOF!
I’m tired of Poofing.
So I figure its about time to start putting myself out there…

but I’m *scared* to put myself out there….
I’m afraid of getting hurt… again…

And to that I am going to apply a little bit of wisdom that my new boss imparted upon me last week…
He said “yeah, you’ve been through a lot… but GET OVER IT! – Have fun! Live your life.”

Okay that’s what I’m going to try now.  I think I’m ready and I’ve got things under control now.
I know who I am, and what I want, and certainly have plenty of experience with what I DON’T want…

I’m going to try something new… have some fun… meet some people… and all the while I’m going to just be me. {which is really the only person I could be, since I don’t have any kind of personality disorders or anything…}
And, yes… I am afraid to be “out there”  since it’s so much safer “in here” as I’ve mentioned before… But, I’ll get over it. =)

I’ll write again… soonish.
I plan on having some fun and interesting stories to share.

Oh brother, here they come again…
“THE Holidays”

As we entered the final quarter of each year, I began to feel the trepidation, as they sort of loom in the not so far off distance…
Every year I try to battle my trepidations with same old method of trying to look at them from new and inventive perspectives.
The general theory behind that is; each year being different, each year yielding different lessons and experiences, leaves me slightly different from the year before. Therefore it shouldn’t be hard to find a new perspective. It’s almost expected…

This is my second year as a single mother.
This year has been chock-a-block full of life altering, personality molding, wisdom earning experience
Has it changed that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of the holiday season…?
Not exactly.
Lets face it, some changes don’t always yield the tangible positive end results we expect from them…
Yup, I still get knots around the holidays…
Now,  Don’t get me wrong, I have more than ever to be grateful for… and I am… Deeply indescribably grateful…
It seems the more I go through, the more I can appreciate having gotten through it. Thankful that I’m not down and out. But instead, Moving forward in an upward angle. I have become a living testament to that old phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” This is invariably true in my life.
And I certainly shouldn’t downplay how incredibly lucky I’ve been thus far. For every pitfall I’ve run across,  There has always been a way out. Many of you might consider me blessed. I wouldn’t discount that assessment, as I’ve got no reasonable explanation that would better suffice.
However, there are still holiday drawbacks that weigh on my mind…  for example, Its no fun to be to be so far away from family at Christmas.  I was hoping to be in CO with my sister and nephew this year for the holidays, or at least for my nephews first birthday {which just passed}… and it’s hard to think on how much they miss us, and want to be with us at the holidays, and we just can’t make it.
Obviously, the holidays are never easy on any single parent… the shopping, hiding gifts, decorating the house, picking a tree, carefully choreographing the finances to accommodate everything, the wrapping and cooking, and then there’s the aftermath! Phew! it’s a lot for 2 people… its positively daunting for ONE.
And then there’s the actuality of being alone as it pertains to me personally… No one to kiss under the mistletoe, or as the new year’s ball drops… you know, that  stuff… Blah! 
I’ve learned the most in that  area of my life over the past year…
I learned not to take these things so seriously.  There’s just no need to.  Its just so much easier to let the pieces fall where they may… and just live MY life.
The ability to get along, without expectations, has made me a MUCH happier and healthier person.  And because I can just relax about it, being alone simply doesn’t suck as much… It’s still does a little at Christmas, but not as much, and it WILL pass…
Now that aside, I wonder –  what am I really looking at this holiday season…?
Another WONDERFUL Christmas with my amazing boys.
A Custom, Made-to-order, Marvelously Crazy, full of laughter, full of love, full of a deep rooted appreciation for all we have, family holiday that will go down in the kids memories as another year that we pulled it off, and made something fantastic happen, against the odds.
And that right there makes all the fretting, the extra stress, the financial tango, and the clean-up so very worth it…

So much has happened since my last post, but the general lesson learned has been that my recent positivity, and hard work combined with a dash of good luck, has seemingly become my recipe for a happier me!

Or so it seems lately, anyhow… Doors and windows have begun to open for me, and it feels so good to be truly out from under the rock I’ve been crushed by for so long!
I’ve reached a cross roads in my life, and I’m moving forward on a positive path.
I’ve found a new job {or, I should say – it found me…} and the potential for personal growth there is quite grand.
I’m excited, Motovated, and feeling a sort of pride.
I am proud that my efforts and endeavors have not gone unnoticed nor unnappreciated and I’m finally getting my chance to really climb to new heights.
It’s a little scary, because I’m completely on my own here… but I KNOW that I can do this.
I know I will work hard and do my best, and not give up.  And thats the best I can offer, but that should be plenty to build a success story out of this lovely new opportunity.  =)
I feel as though the pieces are really starting to come together in  my life.
I’m not looking to jynx it, and I’m not bragging.  I just HAD to share/ update.
I’m hopeful that things will continue to flow smoothly along this same current towards a bright shiny future for my family.
=)
Much Love to all! ❤

So, there we have it folks, I have posted several of my many drafts, unfinished or barely begun pieces.
Welcome into the labyrinth of my mind. =)
I embrace my randomness every day.

I hope maybe one or all of you will find a strand here and make something of it.
Please feel free to contact me with whatever you come up with -also, ideas and suggestions are always welcome.

I cannot promise these will remain posted {as-is} for very long…
Like I’ve said before, with some luck, perhaps I will transform them into something more complete.
there is a certain sense of relief in having set these drafts free for a while…
Kind of like “cleaning house” and the transient comfort of having saved these bits and pieces from the trash, where so many have gone before…

As always, I wish everyone much love!

This is my biggest flaw, – and yes, I’m airing it here, to friends and strangers alike.
I’m too sensitive and overly emotional sometimes, and it proves a challenging task to fight this nature of mine.
My ability to be reasonable and rational often has to keep my emotional reactions in check…
and though I am generally easy going, I do have my moments when I lose my cool and take things the wrong way.
Then, being a straight forward kind of woman, I end up flat out saying that I’m bent out of shape and why…

People don’t respond to that as well as you might think. =/

Someone once told me “if I ever say something, and it could be taken two ways, and one of those ways is bad – I probably meant it the other way…”

Generally, people want to be given the benefit of the doubt, and generally I want to automatically give that. Heck, even *I* want the benefit of the doubt – often – as I tend to say things that sound better in my head, and feel like a fool afterwards because it came out wrong.

I try, really I do, to curtail as many of these blunders as possible, as I almost always mean well, and I actually believe that most people almost always mean well… {nobody is perfect}

And maybe that’s not so far outside the realm of normal – But aside from that, I have real trouble at getting control over my emotional reactions to those who would deliberately hurt me.
I’ve never quite grasped that sense of aloofness – the “who cares”  attitude, when someone is rude, or nasty. I genuinely get hurt, or aggravated. And I am often incapable of hiding my emotions.
It’s awkward, and a sign of weakness, and immaturity… and at 35 – I’m too old for that kind of immaturity.
I have, in the last 19 months, learned how to become self reliant for everything, in every way.
Most people learn that right after high school, getting out on their own, making their own way…
I chose a different path – and lets just say that makes me a bit of a late learner. 

Lately, with stress piling high upon me, I find my emotions running away, and cutting through me like a river through rock.
Hard to get a grip.
My first line of defense was to put up big walls,  cut people out of my life, and avoid any unnecessary drama, and situations that would be less than conducive to peacable living…
Next, refocus on what’s important… family, home, work…
Check… so, why am I still feeling like a pile of overcooked spaghetti?
I cry, when I really shouldn’t.
I get snappy at loved ones.
I take offense to things that shouldn’t concern me…

Now, Please don’t get me wrong… I don’t do any of these things to an extreme… but it happens occasionally .
So, I feel guilty for a recent emotional “outburst” and I keep questioning myself…
This does not help the problem.

My current attempts at regaining my positive outlook, proves helpful, but is dampened by a recent turn of events that has me feeling very sad and stranded too far away from my family in CO.
I’m walking around with this gloomy black cloud over my head and I can’t get around it.
I do recieve due patience from the ones that love me…
But I don’t know how to keep from putting myself in the position of needing it.
Truthfully, it’s pretty exhausting…

So, How do I contain the the emotional tide that rises over me?

Just thoughts…

Swallowed a brick?!?!

Remember the last time your heart was broken…?
The last person you mistakenly got too attached to… Felt like you served your heart up on a silver platter, like a fool?
I’ll bet you learned to be more careful, learned to protect your now somewhat damaged heart… Maybe even became a bit fearful and closed off for a while…
Do you remember how it felt, for days or weeks or even months later… When you thought about them… Or some memory you shared… Seemingly profound to you, but wasted and forgotten by them…
Yeah, you know those moments when there was an ache and a weight… A physical discomfort to accompany the emotional pain you felt.
For me, it feels like I swallowed a brick. A cold hard heaviness stuck in the bottom of my throat and pressing on my chest…
I felt that again briefly , when the subject of someone I once had cared a bit too deeply for, had come up… and couldn’t help but mention it to some friends over dinner…
They didn’t quite understand what I meant at first, and I was embarrassed… But then as I described it, I realized that they knew the feeling, even if they didn’t describe it the same way… So once I got home, I asked a few people if they ever experienced it… The answer ( every time) was a resounding yes…
So, apparently this is a common side effect of the “heartbreak experience”
It’s funny how people are so different, and every experience is so unique, yet we are all bound together by some of the very same symptoms of being human.
Which serves as yet another reminder to me, as to exactly why we should all be kind to each other… as much as possible.

The greastest comfort can come in the simplest forms, a hug from a loved one… or sharing laughter with friends… this is something we all need…
We need each other.
To share our joys.
To ease our pain.
To make life richer.
When I’m hurting I instinctively turn to my loved ones for comfort and connection.
There isn’t a day that goes by when I dont appreciate them… just for being a part of my life – and for making me a part of theirs as well…

I’m not sure why I felt the need to post this, other than the sheer simple fact that it’s weighing heavily on my mind today.

Today, I will remember to take heart – because we are all in this together… and my, what an experience it all is turning out to be…

There is a quote from Winston Churchill that someone decided to engrave onto fancy gold tone book marks, stylishly accented with navy blue satin ribbon.  They are sold at my favorite massive bookstore in plastic sleeves on a black velvet background.

Never Never Never Give Up…

I bought this book mark for my son 3 years ago or so. During a period of time when he had inexplicably stopped talking. His grades were slipping, his behavior took a strange turn, and I was so very worried.  I tried to reach him. I talked to him all the time, and one day while out running my weekly errands I picked up a copy of a book that I knew he was looking forward to, and gave him the bookmark with a small personal note of encouragement.
I have always tried to instill a sense of hopefulness in my children… I’ve always wanted to see them make the best of any situation, to always try, to learn and grow from mistakes, and mostly I just want them to be happy people.
Since then our lives have been turned upside down and continues to be somewhat topsy turvy, but we’ve gotten this far…
And we’re doing alright… {he’s doing quite well, actually}

Recently I came across that book mark while cleaning the boys bedrooms. 
For reasons I cannot explain, I just stopped what I was doing and stared at it for a moment… sort of zoned out.
It’s true that I was tired, and would likely have stopped for a coffee break around that time anyhow, but still, I found myself overthinking the meaning *I* should be taking from this quote.

Never give up. – simple concept.  and I thought to myself that I had given up. I had given up on hope, I had given up on growth and traded in for fear and disappointment and general overall stress.  I wish I could say that I felt some level of shame, but it wasn’t so. I felt angry and resentful and justified.  I’m ALWAYS overwhelmed and I never seem to get anywhere. WHY??

Oh-right, probably because I gave up – huh?
“Circumstances outside of my control” are trying to take over my whole life. I’m afraid that I will become embittered… and so I just keep my head down in anticipation of more issues, problems and disappointment.
What I’m NOT doing is changing my situation by worrying so much.  Just trying to get through it, to survive it, get by…
I gave up hope. I began to waste my time expecting the worst, and making my self sick over “oh-no, what will I do *IF*…

And this is where it all turns around…
The next evening, I came home from work looking pretty worn out… everything still weighing heavily on my mind, and it must have showed… Because my son could read it on me like a billboard.
However, it seems that Hope hasn’t given up on me just yet…
Once he found a quiet moment to approach me, my son said to me – “just remember mom, no matter how bad things seem right now, they are still so much better than they were Before
{ I can’t help but tear up when I think about this}
In that moment I was done with just being down and feeling bad.  Our situation is NOT that bad!!!  
I have my two amazing boys, we still have a roof over our heads {regardless of the struggle it may be to keep that going} and thus far, I’ve been able to provide them with all that they require… {And worrying about being able to continue that, isn’t helping anyone but the company that makes my anti-acids….} and hell, even if we lose everything we have… WE HAVE EACH OTHER!  
Funny, how simple things really are, when I’m not over-complicating it all in my own mind.
I’m just going to keep doing what I have been doing with some smallish changes,  instead of wasting my energy with unnecessary worry, I will make a bigger effort to enjoy the simple things again, Like I used to… Let go of those things that made me feel so bad all the time. Keep trying, keep living, and Never, Never, Never Give Up!

❤ Much Love to All. ❤