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The Hush is coming.
I can sense it all around.
Dark shadowy tendrils reaching for me, whispers in velvet, elusive yet Burgeoning… Drifting Closer… Closer.
A raging quiet, building like a storm, surrounding me in smoky clouds of inky reticence…
The shroud of silence rises and falls upon me, leaving me restrained and obscured, muted and still.
I sink into it, unable to resist… Further and deeper until all else is snuffed out- and there is nothing left- only the hush…

A single drop of blood is drawn
and a fiercesome war is waged
A call to arms and I become
a soldier in my sisters army
Scantly prepared for whats to come
But no one ever is
There will be many battles
The first will be to conquer fear
with love and support
Then maintain bravery
in the face of the enemy
This unwarranted invasion
She alone cannot fight
the cure is almost as terrifying as the cancer
I keep wishing “If only love could save her”
She’d never have to fear again
I’d give her all that she could bare
But now she’s up against a most fearsome foe
I will not let her face alone
So I pick up my sword
And prepare for war.

This is my biggest flaw, – and yes, I’m airing it here, to friends and strangers alike.
I’m too sensitive and overly emotional sometimes, and it proves a challenging task to fight this nature of mine.
My ability to be reasonable and rational often has to keep my emotional reactions in check…
and though I am generally easy going, I do have my moments when I lose my cool and take things the wrong way.
Then, being a straight forward kind of woman, I end up flat out saying that I’m bent out of shape and why…

People don’t respond to that as well as you might think. =/

Someone once told me “if I ever say something, and it could be taken two ways, and one of those ways is bad – I probably meant it the other way…”

Generally, people want to be given the benefit of the doubt, and generally I want to automatically give that. Heck, even *I* want the benefit of the doubt – often – as I tend to say things that sound better in my head, and feel like a fool afterwards because it came out wrong.

I try, really I do, to curtail as many of these blunders as possible, as I almost always mean well, and I actually believe that most people almost always mean well… {nobody is perfect}

And maybe that’s not so far outside the realm of normal – But aside from that, I have real trouble at getting control over my emotional reactions to those who would deliberately hurt me.
I’ve never quite grasped that sense of aloofness – the “who cares”  attitude, when someone is rude, or nasty. I genuinely get hurt, or aggravated. And I am often incapable of hiding my emotions.
It’s awkward, and a sign of weakness, and immaturity… and at 35 – I’m too old for that kind of immaturity.
I have, in the last 19 months, learned how to become self reliant for everything, in every way.
Most people learn that right after high school, getting out on their own, making their own way…
I chose a different path – and lets just say that makes me a bit of a late learner. 

Lately, with stress piling high upon me, I find my emotions running away, and cutting through me like a river through rock.
Hard to get a grip.
My first line of defense was to put up big walls,  cut people out of my life, and avoid any unnecessary drama, and situations that would be less than conducive to peacable living…
Next, refocus on what’s important… family, home, work…
Check… so, why am I still feeling like a pile of overcooked spaghetti?
I cry, when I really shouldn’t.
I get snappy at loved ones.
I take offense to things that shouldn’t concern me…

Now, Please don’t get me wrong… I don’t do any of these things to an extreme… but it happens occasionally .
So, I feel guilty for a recent emotional “outburst” and I keep questioning myself…
This does not help the problem.

My current attempts at regaining my positive outlook, proves helpful, but is dampened by a recent turn of events that has me feeling very sad and stranded too far away from my family in CO.
I’m walking around with this gloomy black cloud over my head and I can’t get around it.
I do recieve due patience from the ones that love me…
But I don’t know how to keep from putting myself in the position of needing it.
Truthfully, it’s pretty exhausting…

So, How do I contain the the emotional tide that rises over me?

Just thoughts…

There is a quote from Winston Churchill that someone decided to engrave onto fancy gold tone book marks, stylishly accented with navy blue satin ribbon.  They are sold at my favorite massive bookstore in plastic sleeves on a black velvet background.

Never Never Never Give Up…

I bought this book mark for my son 3 years ago or so. During a period of time when he had inexplicably stopped talking. His grades were slipping, his behavior took a strange turn, and I was so very worried.  I tried to reach him. I talked to him all the time, and one day while out running my weekly errands I picked up a copy of a book that I knew he was looking forward to, and gave him the bookmark with a small personal note of encouragement.
I have always tried to instill a sense of hopefulness in my children… I’ve always wanted to see them make the best of any situation, to always try, to learn and grow from mistakes, and mostly I just want them to be happy people.
Since then our lives have been turned upside down and continues to be somewhat topsy turvy, but we’ve gotten this far…
And we’re doing alright… {he’s doing quite well, actually}

Recently I came across that book mark while cleaning the boys bedrooms. 
For reasons I cannot explain, I just stopped what I was doing and stared at it for a moment… sort of zoned out.
It’s true that I was tired, and would likely have stopped for a coffee break around that time anyhow, but still, I found myself overthinking the meaning *I* should be taking from this quote.

Never give up. – simple concept.  and I thought to myself that I had given up. I had given up on hope, I had given up on growth and traded in for fear and disappointment and general overall stress.  I wish I could say that I felt some level of shame, but it wasn’t so. I felt angry and resentful and justified.  I’m ALWAYS overwhelmed and I never seem to get anywhere. WHY??

Oh-right, probably because I gave up – huh?
“Circumstances outside of my control” are trying to take over my whole life. I’m afraid that I will become embittered… and so I just keep my head down in anticipation of more issues, problems and disappointment.
What I’m NOT doing is changing my situation by worrying so much.  Just trying to get through it, to survive it, get by…
I gave up hope. I began to waste my time expecting the worst, and making my self sick over “oh-no, what will I do *IF*…

And this is where it all turns around…
The next evening, I came home from work looking pretty worn out… everything still weighing heavily on my mind, and it must have showed… Because my son could read it on me like a billboard.
However, it seems that Hope hasn’t given up on me just yet…
Once he found a quiet moment to approach me, my son said to me – “just remember mom, no matter how bad things seem right now, they are still so much better than they were Before
{ I can’t help but tear up when I think about this}
In that moment I was done with just being down and feeling bad.  Our situation is NOT that bad!!!  
I have my two amazing boys, we still have a roof over our heads {regardless of the struggle it may be to keep that going} and thus far, I’ve been able to provide them with all that they require… {And worrying about being able to continue that, isn’t helping anyone but the company that makes my anti-acids….} and hell, even if we lose everything we have… WE HAVE EACH OTHER!  
Funny, how simple things really are, when I’m not over-complicating it all in my own mind.
I’m just going to keep doing what I have been doing with some smallish changes,  instead of wasting my energy with unnecessary worry, I will make a bigger effort to enjoy the simple things again, Like I used to… Let go of those things that made me feel so bad all the time. Keep trying, keep living, and Never, Never, Never Give Up!

❤ Much Love to All. ❤

   

 

There came a day when she realized that superman wasn’t coming to save her.  There would be no knight in shining armor, galloping in on a white horse that would sweep her off of her feet.  There would be no romantic, picturesque ride into the sunset horizon of some happily ever after.

Everything she had ever done, or suffered… all that she fought for, lived for, and hoped for, up to that point was moot.  All for naught… a full half of her life, spent in a miserable wasteland of a failed marriage.  And things were out of control… again.

The truth was, she was scared… Frightened of the unknown… frightened of the possibility that she would fail on her own and she didn’t have the first foggiest clue about how to survive – alone.
But she wasn’t alone… There were the kids. They needed her…
With them in mind, she stepped over the threshold into a Terrifying new life… She couldn’t wait to be saved. She couldn’t hope it would get better. She couldn’t keep making excuses.  She knew they weren’t going to survive any more… 
She had to become her own heroine. Save herself, Not for herself… but for *them*

It was a dramatic birth into this new role… and since then her war has taken on a quieter more subtle appearance. She’s picked up some allies along the way.   But still every day, she refuses to surrender.  Though most of her battles may be small and simple, easily looked over… Still, she fights for them. Most days she is the victor, and some days she falls hard…  Only she can know the full extent of her trials and triumphs.  At night, after a hard day, when she’s weary from the battle, and it would be so easy to give up, give in… She reminds herself that one day this war will be over and when that day comes, she will look back at all she has been through and know all that she fought for… it was always for them and they were always worth it. With that thought, and renewing a silent strength within herself to carry on, She closes her eyes, and promises herself to quietly fight another day. For Them.