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Firstly, Let me start off by saying a very heartfelt Thank You to everyone that has been so supportive regarding my current custody/visitation situation lately…  All the kind words, the thoughts, the prayers, and vibes have been more appreciated than I could ever put into words.  I am sincerely grateful.

Things didn’t go badly for me in court, thankfully.  The situation isn’t quite over yet though, and I have a ways to go yet…

On the date in question, I went to court nervous-sick because I was afraid the judge would order that I sign an agreement which would allow my youngest son sleep over visitation with his father.  I was afraid I would have to refuse to cooperate, {which I have never even considered before} for the sake of my childs safety.  There are usually hefty consequences when you refuse to cooperate with a judge.  Especially harsh are the consequences for women in my county.  Gladly I can report that this is not the case for me at this time.  The judge decided to compromise in such a manner that would be more appropriate for my child. switching the weekly Sunday visitation to bi-weekly Saturday and Sunday WITHOUT sleepovers at this time.  WHEW! what a relief!  the idea of having to sleep over there had my sons stomach in knots {and mine as well}.  I was hoping for the judge to show some mercy and not find me in “contempt”  for refusing to allow my youngest son to sleep over with a man who has no regard for our child whatsoever. I am so very grateful that the Judge chose this different route instead.

Sadly, the county courts are generally unconcerned with what is actually BEST for my son… and only concerned with following politically preset standards.  There are only 2 exceptions to this pre-packaged outcome… 1. – If he’s a convicted child molester, or if there is irrefutable evidence of child molestation.{he is not, for the record.} or
2. – if he is on hardcore drugs, and I could procure a blood test to prove that.  {He’s a  heavy drinker, that much is for certain, but the court doesn’t care.}
He’s a man with a very violent temper, narcissistic, selfish, and no concern {absolutely zero} for the safety and well-being of his children. people are possessions, and he’s obsessive about his possessions.   He’s incapable of love, or loving kindness.  He’s taught himself to fake a certain amount of it, but he can’t ever keep up the ruse for long, and when the facade finally cracks, he explodes in a blind violent rage.

This is what precipitated our split, and eventually divorce. He struck me for the last time. and I refused to take it any longer.

The fact that this man had no relationship with either of our kids prior to our separation, and the fact that he’s also been violent to both children {a fact that was hidden from me- but I suffer tremendous guilt over, and will for the rest of my life} means little to nothing as far as the courts are concerned, in my county.  It simply makes no sense. but its a plain fact.

This is something I have no choice but to deal with and accept.  As a mom, it’s painful. Every time my little guy is picked up for visitation, I worry… I fear that he may not come home in one piece. This isn’t irrational fear…  it’s set in place by a factual, documented history of him endangering the lives of our children.  For this reason, My oldest son no longer has any contact with him.  He is a high-school age, exceptionally bright young man…  His father made him plead for his life,  {Something no child should ever have to suffer, ever!  let alone from his own father!} and he turned his father in, and the two of them have had no further communication since…  that was over a year ago.

I am genuinely scared to let him alone with our youngest child.  Frequently I hear my son tell me how his father drank too much, forgot to feed him, drove erratically with him in the car, passed out for hours on end – leaving our child to fend for himself… and when he’s not being dangerous or neglectful,  he’s just being a downright jerk by telling my son that he shouldn’t listen to his mother, and that he should kick me… he calls me terrible names, and tells my son that I don’t love him, I just use him to steal his fathers money.
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF MONSTER IS CAPABLE OF DOING THIS TO A 10 YEAR OLD?!?!?!
This can’t possibly be the same man I married 16 years ago…  – Ah, but he is.
I don’t understand what happened to him after all these years…  he progressively got worse over time, and now he’s out of control. And despite all of this, Suffolk County courts feel its more important to protect his “rights as a father” than our childrens rights to feeling safe.
And so I go to court, month after month, to stand up for my kids. And I won’t give up, no matter what.

So,  it’s been a couple of months since I last posted. and I honestly intended to update before now.  But I’m very glad that I am posting good news. and not bad.  it was a lateral change, which is better than anticipated.

I will try to write more, as I find it cathartic, and comforting.
Little bits of this and that, and I’m sure a great deal more about my family.
I once again would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive, {and patient} throughout this ordeal.  Much love to all.

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There came a day when she realized that superman wasn’t coming to save her.  There would be no knight in shining armor, galloping in on a white horse that would sweep her off of her feet.  There would be no romantic, picturesque ride into the sunset horizon of some happily ever after.

Everything she had ever done, or suffered… all that she fought for, lived for, and hoped for, up to that point was moot.  All for naught… a full half of her life, spent in a miserable wasteland of a failed marriage.  And things were out of control… again.

The truth was, she was scared… Frightened of the unknown… frightened of the possibility that she would fail on her own and she didn’t have the first foggiest clue about how to survive – alone.
But she wasn’t alone… There were the kids. They needed her…
With them in mind, she stepped over the threshold into a Terrifying new life… She couldn’t wait to be saved. She couldn’t hope it would get better. She couldn’t keep making excuses.  She knew they weren’t going to survive any more… 
She had to become her own heroine. Save herself, Not for herself… but for *them*

It was a dramatic birth into this new role… and since then her war has taken on a quieter more subtle appearance. She’s picked up some allies along the way.   But still every day, she refuses to surrender.  Though most of her battles may be small and simple, easily looked over… Still, she fights for them. Most days she is the victor, and some days she falls hard…  Only she can know the full extent of her trials and triumphs.  At night, after a hard day, when she’s weary from the battle, and it would be so easy to give up, give in… She reminds herself that one day this war will be over and when that day comes, she will look back at all she has been through and know all that she fought for… it was always for them and they were always worth it. With that thought, and renewing a silent strength within herself to carry on, She closes her eyes, and promises herself to quietly fight another day. For Them.