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April 26th marked one year since Peter passed away.
I have thought about him, and truly, deeply missed him, each and every one of the 365 days between.

When he first passed, everyone swore that in time, the pain would pass and it would get better, easier to deal with.
Well, I don’t cry as much anymore{though, I still sometimes cry… mostly on holidays and for his birthday… or if I come across something he wrote to me, or a gift he gave me… etc…} So the “it gets easier to deal with” part has proven itself to be true… but the pain hasn’t passed, it doesn’t feel better. I miss him every day.  No matter what goes on in my life, {and anyone that knows me or anyone that is following me here understands that there is a great deal going on in my life} I still find myself caught in a moment where I really feel the ache of the hole that was left in my heart when he passed, and the sting of knowing I will never again hear his voice, {and his unique accent}.  He was a man known for his quirks, and I loved them.  I have so many many memories of him. Each one very precious to me… but they swarm around in my mind sometimes and that makes it entirely impossible to get through a day without acknowledging the grief that weighs me down like a lead suit. So lately I’m kind of a depressed mess. I cannot concentrate. I keep thinking about all that has happened in this year without him as well… For the one year anniversary, I went to visit the cemetery. Its a haul, and I hadn’t been there in a while. But  I still have my promise to keep to him, so I brought him new stones. as described in previous posts.  It’s not the same as if he were really here, but it’s something…

I often feel this sense of helplessness, because he is gone, because my life is in serious disarray, because I don’t have anyone to talk to, or lean on anymore. I have to face the toughest part of my life entirely alone, and he was my rock, an endless wellspring of insight and wisdom.  I always realized that he had a big impact on my life, but I guess I never realized how much until he was gone.  No matter how much life happens, or time passes. I know I  will never stop missing him

.photo (1)Peter July 2008

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