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Stability… What on Earth is that…?  From this single mothers standpoint it’s like a fairytale… alongside other such myths like unicorns, pixiedust, and monogamous men…

Joking aside, it seems to me that all good parents want to be GREAT parents… but somehow or other always seem to struggle with feelings of inadequacy due to a number of variables, Financial strain, too much time spent working – not enough time with the kids, internal family frictions/sibling rivalry issues… etc.. this list could go on, and on, but you get the point… Well, what I’m trying to say is that, I am no different… I want to live up to this “Super-mom” standard but I just can’t seem to get there… Plus, I amplify all my shortcomings by focusing on them obsessively, especially when I’m in no position to change things right at the moment.
My apartment has been a disaster since the kids and I moved here in July. It is now April… =(   I’ve considered inviting FEMA in to assess the place… I figure, I’m pretty sure I could fool them into believing a smallish concentrated tornado (that would be my youngest son) whipped through here… and then maybe my FEMA check could help out with the finances around here, since my “X” hasn’t paid a cent in child support since mid January.
I feel bad, I work on average 57 hours a week, and still can’t manage to bring in enough to take care of everything, or even come close. My savings {which was supposed to buy a decent used  family vehicle – since we currently don’t have one} is hemorrhaging itself into nothingness, as I am forced to use it for everything from paying rent/bills to buying the kids new clothes/shoes/glasses…etc…

Teenage boys never cease to outgrow or wear out EVERYTHING every 3 months, like clockwork.  I did the math, it works out to an average of 8 pairs of sneakers, 40 pairs of jeans, 50-60 shirts and 96 pairs of socks per year. Sheesh!  Raising my boys is no joke, though there is always plenty of laughter.  My kids are naturally ingrained with highly irrational giggle triggers… The oldest has a quick wit, very cerebral, stuff that makes you use your head before you realize what he means and end up laughing till you snort. The little guy is, well, for lack of a better term, he’s a goofball, and sometimes he tries so hard to get your attention that it’s either irritating or so funny you end up with snot bubbles.  {he asked me to write something about snot bubbles… that was the best I could do} The point is, they crack me up… and that’s a good thing because sometimes its the fine line between grounding them {which means they sit in their dungeons – oops I mean bedrooms – with nothing to do but think about what an evil cackling witch their mom is}  or laughing off the matter and showing some forgiveness. They know this too, and they use it against me, like evil little clowns…

Sometimes I feel the importance of being stern, I try and get them to take me seriously, and I get pretty upset when they don’t sometimes, and then I yell…  I always feel terrible after yelling at my kids. I can only imagine they like it even less than I do.  Often nights after being “mean mommy” I over evaluate and suffer serious guilt pangs all night.  Further tarnishing my sparkly pink “S”  for “super-mom”  that I always strive for, and dream of, but seemingly always fall short of earning…

When I became a single parent, I figured it was going to be a challenge, but I guess I never realized on how many levels… I get overwhelmed, and wonder how it is that I’m not handling this better than I was *before*…  After some consideration, It occurred to me that while my “X” was a part of our lives, {albeit not a great part, not even a good part} he was the main source of income, and though he wasn’t wise with money and bills, there was so much more income that mine didn’t matter as much, over all. And that afforded me the freedom to work less, and focus more on my home, my children, and those things that I seem to be grappling with now on my own.

As hard as things are now, I still wouldn’t trade back.  Things weren’t exactly easy before either…  The kids and I spent most of our time at home, acutely aware that we were living with a ticking time bomb, and none of us knew when or why it might explode.. when it did, no matter who got the brunt of the blast, the shrapnel hit us all. We 3 lived completely devoid of any sense of security or self worth. That’s no way to live… No way to raise children. My boys are better off in a home where they feel safe, and are surrounded by love and laughter, and mess, and with only One slightly off kilter, constantly working, loving, good, yet not quite “super” parent, than two miserable parents, {one with a very short fuse} less mess, and more money… There’s just no comparison.

So as I dangle over the edge of the world, holding on with one pinkynail, while scorpions run down my spine, {and apparently blowing snot bubbles – the scorpion of course… *I’m a lady* – } and i ponder all of my shortcomings…  I ask myself from time to time… “Am I good enough?”
-Damn straight, I am!

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