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The Hush is coming.
I can sense it all around.
Dark shadowy tendrils reaching for me, whispers in velvet, elusive yet Burgeoning… Drifting Closer… Closer.
A raging quiet, building like a storm, surrounding me in smoky clouds of inky reticence…
The shroud of silence rises and falls upon me, leaving me restrained and obscured, muted and still.
I sink into it, unable to resist… Further and deeper until all else is snuffed out- and there is nothing left- only the hush…


Firstly, Let me start off by saying a very heartfelt Thank You to everyone that has been so supportive regarding my current custody/visitation situation lately…  All the kind words, the thoughts, the prayers, and vibes have been more appreciated than I could ever put into words.  I am sincerely grateful.

Things didn’t go badly for me in court, thankfully.  The situation isn’t quite over yet though, and I have a ways to go yet…

On the date in question, I went to court nervous-sick because I was afraid the judge would order that I sign an agreement which would allow my youngest son sleep over visitation with his father.  I was afraid I would have to refuse to cooperate, {which I have never even considered before} for the sake of my childs safety.  There are usually hefty consequences when you refuse to cooperate with a judge.  Especially harsh are the consequences for women in my county.  Gladly I can report that this is not the case for me at this time.  The judge decided to compromise in such a manner that would be more appropriate for my child. switching the weekly Sunday visitation to bi-weekly Saturday and Sunday WITHOUT sleepovers at this time.  WHEW! what a relief!  the idea of having to sleep over there had my sons stomach in knots {and mine as well}.  I was hoping for the judge to show some mercy and not find me in “contempt”  for refusing to allow my youngest son to sleep over with a man who has no regard for our child whatsoever. I am so very grateful that the Judge chose this different route instead.

Sadly, the county courts are generally unconcerned with what is actually BEST for my son… and only concerned with following politically preset standards.  There are only 2 exceptions to this pre-packaged outcome… 1. – If he’s a convicted child molester, or if there is irrefutable evidence of child molestation.{he is not, for the record.} or
2. – if he is on hardcore drugs, and I could procure a blood test to prove that.  {He’s a  heavy drinker, that much is for certain, but the court doesn’t care.}
He’s a man with a very violent temper, narcissistic, selfish, and no concern {absolutely zero} for the safety and well-being of his children. people are possessions, and he’s obsessive about his possessions.   He’s incapable of love, or loving kindness.  He’s taught himself to fake a certain amount of it, but he can’t ever keep up the ruse for long, and when the facade finally cracks, he explodes in a blind violent rage.

This is what precipitated our split, and eventually divorce. He struck me for the last time. and I refused to take it any longer.

The fact that this man had no relationship with either of our kids prior to our separation, and the fact that he’s also been violent to both children {a fact that was hidden from me- but I suffer tremendous guilt over, and will for the rest of my life} means little to nothing as far as the courts are concerned, in my county.  It simply makes no sense. but its a plain fact.

This is something I have no choice but to deal with and accept.  As a mom, it’s painful. Every time my little guy is picked up for visitation, I worry… I fear that he may not come home in one piece. This isn’t irrational fear…  it’s set in place by a factual, documented history of him endangering the lives of our children.  For this reason, My oldest son no longer has any contact with him.  He is a high-school age, exceptionally bright young man…  His father made him plead for his life,  {Something no child should ever have to suffer, ever!  let alone from his own father!} and he turned his father in, and the two of them have had no further communication since…  that was over a year ago.

I am genuinely scared to let him alone with our youngest child.  Frequently I hear my son tell me how his father drank too much, forgot to feed him, drove erratically with him in the car, passed out for hours on end – leaving our child to fend for himself… and when he’s not being dangerous or neglectful,  he’s just being a downright jerk by telling my son that he shouldn’t listen to his mother, and that he should kick me… he calls me terrible names, and tells my son that I don’t love him, I just use him to steal his fathers money.
This can’t possibly be the same man I married 16 years ago…  – Ah, but he is.
I don’t understand what happened to him after all these years…  he progressively got worse over time, and now he’s out of control. And despite all of this, Suffolk County courts feel its more important to protect his “rights as a father” than our childrens rights to feeling safe.
And so I go to court, month after month, to stand up for my kids. And I won’t give up, no matter what.

So,  it’s been a couple of months since I last posted. and I honestly intended to update before now.  But I’m very glad that I am posting good news. and not bad.  it was a lateral change, which is better than anticipated.

I will try to write more, as I find it cathartic, and comforting.
Little bits of this and that, and I’m sure a great deal more about my family.
I once again would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive, {and patient} throughout this ordeal.  Much love to all.

A mothers greatest fear is that of harm coming to her children.
I will stop at nothing to protect my kids… Even facing the possibility of arrest isn’t enough for me to lay down and let them come to harm.

Here’s the story:

Anyone that knows me, knows I am going through a really rough divorce from an abusive man that I was married to for 15 years. We have 2 children together. I have sole and exclusive custody and he has 1 day visitation weekly, with our youngest son only.  The oldest, {having taken a stand against his father for risking his life and safety by driving 110 mph, in an effort to intimidate and terrorize him}, was shunned by his father and they no longer have anything to do with each other. {This is sad, on so many levels, for so many reasons} The youngest, however, was not involved in the incident and in his guileless innocence still deeply desires his fathers acceptance. Visitation continues to be an issue though, the X shows up when he feels like it, and is inconsistent. Doesn’t tend to our sons basic needs such as proper meals, or proper supervision, tending to boo-boos, Etc…  He generally overall has no interest in being a “dad” and that is abundantly clear more and more as time goes by.  These issues come up regularly, yet the court system here still feels that a bad father is better than no father. -Okay, I can understand why they would take that standpoint… and in a lot of circumstances I can even respect that… but you see, the courts are now trying to adjust the visitation schedule for every other weekend sleepovers… This is a very bad idea.  Compounding the innumerable reasons as to why this is detrimental for my son and his well being… History repeated itself yesterday… With my child in the front seat of the vehicle, he drove at speeds up to 105 mph, and nearly couldn’t stop in time to avoid hitting a truck. Thankfully, with the nose of his car just underneath the back of the truck, he got the car to screech to a halt before killing my son, and himself. {Too damn close! I wish someone would have called in a report on that} According to my son, he was then sworn to secrecy, and warned not to ever tell his mother {me.}. Out of pure fear, my son did not tell me… But he did tell his big brother… who told me, while on the phone with his law guardian… Ugh!!  The nightmare begins again…
My living hell, of putting my precious child in the car with a man I know to be a monster… and not knowing if I will ever see him in one piece again… makes my life a never ending cycle of fear, broken down week by week by excruciating week.  I hoped with what little hope I had left, that this wouldn’t happen again. That somehow some part of his brain started functioning enough to learn from his mistakes, if not for the kids, well, maybe at least to keep from getting himself into trouble.  No such luck.

Terror stricken, I find myself in a unique position of having to protect my children from their father… and from the court system that would throw them to the proverbial wolves…
I have to make a terrible choice – between standing up for my kids safety and well being, and possibly being found in contempt of court, and all that comes with that. {arrest, arraignment, subsequent consequences}
Or – lay down and simply accept that I must allow the court system to make the decision to amend the visitation schedule which would potentially be of terminal consequences… and live every other week knowing that there is a good chance that one day my sweet beloved precious boy will not be coming home alive.

You see, there really is no choice here – is there…?

I have never in my life broken the law.  I have never in my life been a “bad girl”. I always live by the motto “do the right thing” and “treat others as you would have them treat you” .
-I truly believe the right thing to do is to fight for my children’s safety no matter what. 
I’m very nervous.  Downright scared. Sequestered to “mother’s hell”.
I suppose I will be blogging next week about what has become of this matter.