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The Hush is coming.
I can sense it all around.
Dark shadowy tendrils reaching for me, whispers in velvet, elusive yet Burgeoning… Drifting Closer… Closer.
A raging quiet, building like a storm, surrounding me in smoky clouds of inky reticence…
The shroud of silence rises and falls upon me, leaving me restrained and obscured, muted and still.
I sink into it, unable to resist… Further and deeper until all else is snuffed out- and there is nothing left- only the hush…


This is my biggest flaw, – and yes, I’m airing it here, to friends and strangers alike.
I’m too sensitive and overly emotional sometimes, and it proves a challenging task to fight this nature of mine.
My ability to be reasonable and rational often has to keep my emotional reactions in check…
and though I am generally easy going, I do have my moments when I lose my cool and take things the wrong way.
Then, being a straight forward kind of woman, I end up flat out saying that I’m bent out of shape and why…

People don’t respond to that as well as you might think. =/

Someone once told me “if I ever say something, and it could be taken two ways, and one of those ways is bad – I probably meant it the other way…”

Generally, people want to be given the benefit of the doubt, and generally I want to automatically give that. Heck, even *I* want the benefit of the doubt – often – as I tend to say things that sound better in my head, and feel like a fool afterwards because it came out wrong.

I try, really I do, to curtail as many of these blunders as possible, as I almost always mean well, and I actually believe that most people almost always mean well… {nobody is perfect}

And maybe that’s not so far outside the realm of normal – But aside from that, I have real trouble at getting control over my emotional reactions to those who would deliberately hurt me.
I’ve never quite grasped that sense of aloofness – the “who cares”  attitude, when someone is rude, or nasty. I genuinely get hurt, or aggravated. And I am often incapable of hiding my emotions.
It’s awkward, and a sign of weakness, and immaturity… and at 35 – I’m too old for that kind of immaturity.
I have, in the last 19 months, learned how to become self reliant for everything, in every way.
Most people learn that right after high school, getting out on their own, making their own way…
I chose a different path – and lets just say that makes me a bit of a late learner. 

Lately, with stress piling high upon me, I find my emotions running away, and cutting through me like a river through rock.
Hard to get a grip.
My first line of defense was to put up big walls,  cut people out of my life, and avoid any unnecessary drama, and situations that would be less than conducive to peacable living…
Next, refocus on what’s important… family, home, work…
Check… so, why am I still feeling like a pile of overcooked spaghetti?
I cry, when I really shouldn’t.
I get snappy at loved ones.
I take offense to things that shouldn’t concern me…

Now, Please don’t get me wrong… I don’t do any of these things to an extreme… but it happens occasionally .
So, I feel guilty for a recent emotional “outburst” and I keep questioning myself…
This does not help the problem.

My current attempts at regaining my positive outlook, proves helpful, but is dampened by a recent turn of events that has me feeling very sad and stranded too far away from my family in CO.
I’m walking around with this gloomy black cloud over my head and I can’t get around it.
I do recieve due patience from the ones that love me…
But I don’t know how to keep from putting myself in the position of needing it.
Truthfully, it’s pretty exhausting…

So, How do I contain the the emotional tide that rises over me?

Just thoughts…