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This is my biggest flaw, – and yes, I’m airing it here, to friends and strangers alike.
I’m too sensitive and overly emotional sometimes, and it proves a challenging task to fight this nature of mine.
My ability to be reasonable and rational often has to keep my emotional reactions in check…
and though I am generally easy going, I do have my moments when I lose my cool and take things the wrong way.
Then, being a straight forward kind of woman, I end up flat out saying that I’m bent out of shape and why…

People don’t respond to that as well as you might think. =/

Someone once told me “if I ever say something, and it could be taken two ways, and one of those ways is bad – I probably meant it the other way…”

Generally, people want to be given the benefit of the doubt, and generally I want to automatically give that. Heck, even *I* want the benefit of the doubt – often – as I tend to say things that sound better in my head, and feel like a fool afterwards because it came out wrong.

I try, really I do, to curtail as many of these blunders as possible, as I almost always mean well, and I actually believe that most people almost always mean well… {nobody is perfect}

And maybe that’s not so far outside the realm of normal – But aside from that, I have real trouble at getting control over my emotional reactions to those who would deliberately hurt me.
I’ve never quite grasped that sense of aloofness – the “who cares”  attitude, when someone is rude, or nasty. I genuinely get hurt, or aggravated. And I am often incapable of hiding my emotions.
It’s awkward, and a sign of weakness, and immaturity… and at 35 – I’m too old for that kind of immaturity.
I have, in the last 19 months, learned how to become self reliant for everything, in every way.
Most people learn that right after high school, getting out on their own, making their own way…
I chose a different path – and lets just say that makes me a bit of a late learner. 

Lately, with stress piling high upon me, I find my emotions running away, and cutting through me like a river through rock.
Hard to get a grip.
My first line of defense was to put up big walls,  cut people out of my life, and avoid any unnecessary drama, and situations that would be less than conducive to peacable living…
Next, refocus on what’s important… family, home, work…
Check… so, why am I still feeling like a pile of overcooked spaghetti?
I cry, when I really shouldn’t.
I get snappy at loved ones.
I take offense to things that shouldn’t concern me…

Now, Please don’t get me wrong… I don’t do any of these things to an extreme… but it happens occasionally .
So, I feel guilty for a recent emotional “outburst” and I keep questioning myself…
This does not help the problem.

My current attempts at regaining my positive outlook, proves helpful, but is dampened by a recent turn of events that has me feeling very sad and stranded too far away from my family in CO.
I’m walking around with this gloomy black cloud over my head and I can’t get around it.
I do recieve due patience from the ones that love me…
But I don’t know how to keep from putting myself in the position of needing it.
Truthfully, it’s pretty exhausting…

So, How do I contain the the emotional tide that rises over me?

Just thoughts…

my little hands don’t look like much
should turn to stone, and forget their touch.
and lose their soft and nimble manner
light and gentle trace
Oh forget from each finger
the curves and lines of his face
Sacred heart should cease to beat
And turn to stone to lose its heat
Forget the simple song it played
turned monotone and hollowed
Harden to the sounds that changed
from joyfulness to sorrowed
And ears too, should lose their memory of whispered words so sweet
And turn to stone, in sure defense of beautiful deceit
Tender lips of petal pink
turn gray and cold in protection
Against the haunting ghost
of my lovers past affection
Oh turn to stone, to no longer miss
The lingering burn of our last kiss
And wash away from cheeks that blushed
The rosy glow of passioned lust
Please turn to stone and leave me pale
And frigid as a winters gale
As a statue, I’ll become
Strong, and still and keenly numb
Immune against the bitter frost
of remembered warmth of a lover lost

Swallowed a brick?!?!

Remember the last time your heart was broken…?
The last person you mistakenly got too attached to… Felt like you served your heart up on a silver platter, like a fool?
I’ll bet you learned to be more careful, learned to protect your now somewhat damaged heart… Maybe even became a bit fearful and closed off for a while…
Do you remember how it felt, for days or weeks or even months later… When you thought about them… Or some memory you shared… Seemingly profound to you, but wasted and forgotten by them…
Yeah, you know those moments when there was an ache and a weight… A physical discomfort to accompany the emotional pain you felt.
For me, it feels like I swallowed a brick. A cold hard heaviness stuck in the bottom of my throat and pressing on my chest…
I felt that again briefly , when the subject of someone I once had cared a bit too deeply for, had come up… and couldn’t help but mention it to some friends over dinner…
They didn’t quite understand what I meant at first, and I was embarrassed… But then as I described it, I realized that they knew the feeling, even if they didn’t describe it the same way… So once I got home, I asked a few people if they ever experienced it… The answer ( every time) was a resounding yes…
So, apparently this is a common side effect of the “heartbreak experience”
It’s funny how people are so different, and every experience is so unique, yet we are all bound together by some of the very same symptoms of being human.
Which serves as yet another reminder to me, as to exactly why we should all be kind to each other… as much as possible.

The greastest comfort can come in the simplest forms, a hug from a loved one… or sharing laughter with friends… this is something we all need…
We need each other.
To share our joys.
To ease our pain.
To make life richer.
When I’m hurting I instinctively turn to my loved ones for comfort and connection.
There isn’t a day that goes by when I dont appreciate them… just for being a part of my life – and for making me a part of theirs as well…

I’m not sure why I felt the need to post this, other than the sheer simple fact that it’s weighing heavily on my mind today.

Today, I will remember to take heart – because we are all in this together… and my, what an experience it all is turning out to be…

There is a quote from Winston Churchill that someone decided to engrave onto fancy gold tone book marks, stylishly accented with navy blue satin ribbon.  They are sold at my favorite massive bookstore in plastic sleeves on a black velvet background.

Never Never Never Give Up…

I bought this book mark for my son 3 years ago or so. During a period of time when he had inexplicably stopped talking. His grades were slipping, his behavior took a strange turn, and I was so very worried.  I tried to reach him. I talked to him all the time, and one day while out running my weekly errands I picked up a copy of a book that I knew he was looking forward to, and gave him the bookmark with a small personal note of encouragement.
I have always tried to instill a sense of hopefulness in my children… I’ve always wanted to see them make the best of any situation, to always try, to learn and grow from mistakes, and mostly I just want them to be happy people.
Since then our lives have been turned upside down and continues to be somewhat topsy turvy, but we’ve gotten this far…
And we’re doing alright… {he’s doing quite well, actually}

Recently I came across that book mark while cleaning the boys bedrooms. 
For reasons I cannot explain, I just stopped what I was doing and stared at it for a moment… sort of zoned out.
It’s true that I was tired, and would likely have stopped for a coffee break around that time anyhow, but still, I found myself overthinking the meaning *I* should be taking from this quote.

Never give up. – simple concept.  and I thought to myself that I had given up. I had given up on hope, I had given up on growth and traded in for fear and disappointment and general overall stress.  I wish I could say that I felt some level of shame, but it wasn’t so. I felt angry and resentful and justified.  I’m ALWAYS overwhelmed and I never seem to get anywhere. WHY??

Oh-right, probably because I gave up – huh?
“Circumstances outside of my control” are trying to take over my whole life. I’m afraid that I will become embittered… and so I just keep my head down in anticipation of more issues, problems and disappointment.
What I’m NOT doing is changing my situation by worrying so much.  Just trying to get through it, to survive it, get by…
I gave up hope. I began to waste my time expecting the worst, and making my self sick over “oh-no, what will I do *IF*…

And this is where it all turns around…
The next evening, I came home from work looking pretty worn out… everything still weighing heavily on my mind, and it must have showed… Because my son could read it on me like a billboard.
However, it seems that Hope hasn’t given up on me just yet…
Once he found a quiet moment to approach me, my son said to me – “just remember mom, no matter how bad things seem right now, they are still so much better than they were Before
{ I can’t help but tear up when I think about this}
In that moment I was done with just being down and feeling bad.  Our situation is NOT that bad!!!  
I have my two amazing boys, we still have a roof over our heads {regardless of the struggle it may be to keep that going} and thus far, I’ve been able to provide them with all that they require… {And worrying about being able to continue that, isn’t helping anyone but the company that makes my anti-acids….} and hell, even if we lose everything we have… WE HAVE EACH OTHER!  
Funny, how simple things really are, when I’m not over-complicating it all in my own mind.
I’m just going to keep doing what I have been doing with some smallish changes,  instead of wasting my energy with unnecessary worry, I will make a bigger effort to enjoy the simple things again, Like I used to… Let go of those things that made me feel so bad all the time. Keep trying, keep living, and Never, Never, Never Give Up!

❤ Much Love to All. ❤