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Saturday evening… the end of a long day.

I turned in for bed wondering what I might do with my boys the next day.  Its our weekend together, and I really wanted to do something outside the regular weekend errands. 
Sleepless night, with much on my mind, I tossed and turned for several hours.
12:00am – “I’d better get some sleep, because I don’t want to waste the day”
1:00am –  “Ugh! I’m going to be Wrecked all day”
2:00am – “Dammit! What am I going to do with my boys, if I don’t get any sleep??”
2:30am – EUREKA!!! I’ve got the perfect plan!

So at 2:30 am I woke up my kids and loaded them into the car. Flashlight, Blanket, Beach chairs, bug repellant, and a tank full of gas is all I needed, and we set forth on our adventure.
It’s an hour and fifteen minute drive from my home to our destination.
My two boys Love this drive.  They put on music, we tell jokes, and watch for deer, bunnies, raccoons and other night time critters along the way.
We arrived at the Montauk Point Lighthouse at about 4 am. Just before sunrise.
We took a few moments to stretch, gather up what we really needed, and took off for the beach.

When I was a teen, I came out to this very place with my friends for this very same experience, and ever since, this has been my favorite escape. I’ve brought my kids here many times over the years but never for the sunrise, which is Spectacular at this location, since it is the eastern-most point on the Island and there’s nothing but the Atlantic Ocean and the wide open sky as far as you can see.

It didn’t disappoint… What a gorgeous sunrise! What a way to start the day! The boys enjoyed it immensely. And once the morning was in full force, we went for a long walk on the beach and enjoyed the sights, the seashells and everything else we came across. It was a perfect family day. =)

MTK 7-21-13 (2) MTK 7-21-13 (5) MTK 7-21-13 (6) MTK 7-21-13 (7) MTK 7-21-13 (8) MTK 7-21-13 (9)MTK 7-21-13 (10)     Montauk Sunrise 7-21-13 (18) Silly Boys Montauk Sunrise 7-21-13 (19) Montauk Sunrise 7-21-13 (20)

I guess I really did it this time
Broke my own mold, and crossed a line
I suppose I should be sorry
But I did it and I feel fine

I got what I wanted, so
I guess it doesn’t matter anyway
And I’m not the same girl now
that I was just yesterday

If I had just thought this through
I’m sure I would have changed my mind
But I stood too close to you
and now the girl I was, is left behind

I got what I wanted though
So it doesn’t matter anyway
But I’m not the same girl I knew
When I woke up yesterday

In the aftermath, a moonglow
Shines down on what we did
and though I know it shouldn’t be so
I can’t make myself regret it

You got what you wanted too
So it doesn’t matter either way
Things changed between me and you
and can’t go back to yesterday

So I’m writing you this song
to explain how I’m feeling
If you think you hurt me, you’re wrong
My heart won’t require healing

We got what we wanted now
and it doesn’t matter anyway
But I feel so new somehow
Now I’m free to start a new day

Its difficult to resist… Getting involved with social networks is just a regular part of daily life for most people these days… I too was online/plugged in and swept up in it. However, for the past several months I’ve been offline/unplugged – no face book or pinterest, very little blogging, and seriously reduced contact with people overall… I’ve stopped participating in pretty much all of my regular social outlets. Including cellphone usage. there are some days I just don’t even check my phone at all.  I felt a little bit guilty at first, mostly because i was pushing people away, and I knew it. To most, I just kind of slipped away quietly and I’m sure they haven’t noticed… so no guilt there.  For the few that have been closer to me, some of them understand, and are patient with me… Those few, are the only people I really have ANY contact with anymore, I try to “touch base” with them here and there so they know that I’m alright, and that i still care about them.

As far as what might make me simply “drop out”?  there are several reasons,  first and foremost is how hectic and busy my life is.  We all know that I’m a single mom, going through divorce hell, and that of itself, is incredibly time consuming, and also emotionally consuming. Its frustrating and depressing – which leads me to the next reason – depression. Though I’m NOT clinically or suicidally depressed, I’ve been pretty sad and miserable for a while now, and it weighs me down so much… but that’s a private thing and I deal with it, as only I can, on my own. I try not to let it effect my children, and I prefer that my distractions in life, and fairweather “friends” take the hit, over my kids.
Now, the next reason is based on my recent experiences with people. Lack of trust.  Trust is a tough subject for me. I have tremendous trust issues, and the inability to get past this interferes with my life in quite a few ways. I feel less capable of connection with people, because I believe that less people are worthy of putting any faith in them.

This wasn’t always my belief…

I used to have an open heart and faith in everyone.  These have been broken far to many times, and the end result is that I’ve grown some thick scars and I don’t really let anyone get close enough to see past them. This goes hand in hand with my depression, I have stopped trying to get better.  I have stopped trying to deny it.  I’ve simply stopped trying. I lock myself away and only allow my real thoughts and feelings  to come out in my home or through my writing. The end result of these factors is that I have pushed almost everyone out of my life.  Still, I have to admit, although I feel the loneliness associated with this kind of solitude… I don’t really regret it, overall.  I suppose that means that I am a hypocrite though,  Since I complain about the loneliness, and about how I got to this point, yet, I still strive to be left alone.

And where do I stand now?

I think I’m reaching a level of comfort now.  I still don’t miss facebook… I still don’t miss my phone blowing up and spending countless volumes of time texting various people, that don’t really know me, and don’t understand where I’m coming from, yet they want to have multiple conversations with me about the weather, or what they ate, or what they plan to eat, or how much money they spent on god knows what, and my least favorite subject, complaining about their loving/dedicated/yet oh-so-annoying spouses…  sheesh!
I still feel so very alone most of the time.  But I felt that way before too… The only real difference is now, I am less occupied with frivolity.
This equates to more time for my kids.
More time to cook their favorites.
More time to read actual books!
and More time for my favorite activity – sleep.

So, I really no longer feel guilty. This is where I am comfortable right now.  If things change, then perhaps I will get back into the mainstream of things…
But not any time soon, and That’s just how it is…

April 26th marked one year since Peter passed away.
I have thought about him, and truly, deeply missed him, each and every one of the 365 days between.

When he first passed, everyone swore that in time, the pain would pass and it would get better, easier to deal with.
Well, I don’t cry as much anymore{though, I still sometimes cry… mostly on holidays and for his birthday… or if I come across something he wrote to me, or a gift he gave me… etc…} So the “it gets easier to deal with” part has proven itself to be true… but the pain hasn’t passed, it doesn’t feel better. I miss him every day.  No matter what goes on in my life, {and anyone that knows me or anyone that is following me here understands that there is a great deal going on in my life} I still find myself caught in a moment where I really feel the ache of the hole that was left in my heart when he passed, and the sting of knowing I will never again hear his voice, {and his unique accent}.  He was a man known for his quirks, and I loved them.  I have so many many memories of him. Each one very precious to me… but they swarm around in my mind sometimes and that makes it entirely impossible to get through a day without acknowledging the grief that weighs me down like a lead suit. So lately I’m kind of a depressed mess. I cannot concentrate. I keep thinking about all that has happened in this year without him as well… For the one year anniversary, I went to visit the cemetery. Its a haul, and I hadn’t been there in a while. But  I still have my promise to keep to him, so I brought him new stones. as described in previous posts.  It’s not the same as if he were really here, but it’s something…

I often feel this sense of helplessness, because he is gone, because my life is in serious disarray, because I don’t have anyone to talk to, or lean on anymore. I have to face the toughest part of my life entirely alone, and he was my rock, an endless wellspring of insight and wisdom.  I always realized that he had a big impact on my life, but I guess I never realized how much until he was gone.  No matter how much life happens, or time passes. I know I  will never stop missing him

.photo (1)Peter July 2008

You stirred up all the dust in my heart
I watched it sparkle in the sunlight
And swirl around the moon
I imagined it was magic
But it was only dust
And when things went quiet
The air got still
Everything settled down
There was nothing there
Nothing to sparkle
Nothing to swirl
Only a dusty heart

Broken promises,  on the floor
Like Jagged Shards of glass,
Reflecting painful memories
Shining  daggers of my past

My eyes take them in
And my heart bleeds again

Finding my way through my fear
Heart in my hands, I must not fall
Carefully stepping there and here
Knowing I cannot avoid them all

One wrong move
in the Darkness,
a new slice of my old pain
one misstep
through my sadness
And I’m cut through again

 

 

I’m being pulled in several directions.

I hope for the best as I make my day to day decisions…
Wishing for something more… Something better.
Wishing for less, also… less of what I have to deal with.

Playing the cards I’m dealt – and staring off into stars…

Thoughts free flowing through my mind…

(I wish I may, I wish I might…
But there is no whispered wish tonight.

Come back to earth… survey the damage.
Pick up the pieces and walk off into the starry night.

Wandering – but with purpose.
Question everything… Wondering.

No one knows where I am – but I do.
Am I lost? Or are they?

Curiously staring off into stars
As they curiously venture too close

Lighting my broken path…
Away.)

Firstly, Let me start off by saying a very heartfelt Thank You to everyone that has been so supportive regarding my current custody/visitation situation lately…  All the kind words, the thoughts, the prayers, and vibes have been more appreciated than I could ever put into words.  I am sincerely grateful.

Things didn’t go badly for me in court, thankfully.  The situation isn’t quite over yet though, and I have a ways to go yet…

On the date in question, I went to court nervous-sick because I was afraid the judge would order that I sign an agreement which would allow my youngest son sleep over visitation with his father.  I was afraid I would have to refuse to cooperate, {which I have never even considered before} for the sake of my childs safety.  There are usually hefty consequences when you refuse to cooperate with a judge.  Especially harsh are the consequences for women in my county.  Gladly I can report that this is not the case for me at this time.  The judge decided to compromise in such a manner that would be more appropriate for my child. switching the weekly Sunday visitation to bi-weekly Saturday and Sunday WITHOUT sleepovers at this time.  WHEW! what a relief!  the idea of having to sleep over there had my sons stomach in knots {and mine as well}.  I was hoping for the judge to show some mercy and not find me in “contempt”  for refusing to allow my youngest son to sleep over with a man who has no regard for our child whatsoever. I am so very grateful that the Judge chose this different route instead.

Sadly, the county courts are generally unconcerned with what is actually BEST for my son… and only concerned with following politically preset standards.  There are only 2 exceptions to this pre-packaged outcome… 1. – If he’s a convicted child molester, or if there is irrefutable evidence of child molestation.{he is not, for the record.} or
2. – if he is on hardcore drugs, and I could procure a blood test to prove that.  {He’s a  heavy drinker, that much is for certain, but the court doesn’t care.}
He’s a man with a very violent temper, narcissistic, selfish, and no concern {absolutely zero} for the safety and well-being of his children. people are possessions, and he’s obsessive about his possessions.   He’s incapable of love, or loving kindness.  He’s taught himself to fake a certain amount of it, but he can’t ever keep up the ruse for long, and when the facade finally cracks, he explodes in a blind violent rage.

This is what precipitated our split, and eventually divorce. He struck me for the last time. and I refused to take it any longer.

The fact that this man had no relationship with either of our kids prior to our separation, and the fact that he’s also been violent to both children {a fact that was hidden from me- but I suffer tremendous guilt over, and will for the rest of my life} means little to nothing as far as the courts are concerned, in my county.  It simply makes no sense. but its a plain fact.

This is something I have no choice but to deal with and accept.  As a mom, it’s painful. Every time my little guy is picked up for visitation, I worry… I fear that he may not come home in one piece. This isn’t irrational fear…  it’s set in place by a factual, documented history of him endangering the lives of our children.  For this reason, My oldest son no longer has any contact with him.  He is a high-school age, exceptionally bright young man…  His father made him plead for his life,  {Something no child should ever have to suffer, ever!  let alone from his own father!} and he turned his father in, and the two of them have had no further communication since…  that was over a year ago.

I am genuinely scared to let him alone with our youngest child.  Frequently I hear my son tell me how his father drank too much, forgot to feed him, drove erratically with him in the car, passed out for hours on end – leaving our child to fend for himself… and when he’s not being dangerous or neglectful,  he’s just being a downright jerk by telling my son that he shouldn’t listen to his mother, and that he should kick me… he calls me terrible names, and tells my son that I don’t love him, I just use him to steal his fathers money.
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF MONSTER IS CAPABLE OF DOING THIS TO A 10 YEAR OLD?!?!?!
This can’t possibly be the same man I married 16 years ago…  – Ah, but he is.
I don’t understand what happened to him after all these years…  he progressively got worse over time, and now he’s out of control. And despite all of this, Suffolk County courts feel its more important to protect his “rights as a father” than our childrens rights to feeling safe.
And so I go to court, month after month, to stand up for my kids. And I won’t give up, no matter what.

So,  it’s been a couple of months since I last posted. and I honestly intended to update before now.  But I’m very glad that I am posting good news. and not bad.  it was a lateral change, which is better than anticipated.

I will try to write more, as I find it cathartic, and comforting.
Little bits of this and that, and I’m sure a great deal more about my family.
I once again would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive, {and patient} throughout this ordeal.  Much love to all.