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Who am I?
Am I the silly grrl in a sparkly dress with a quick laugh and bubbly nature?
Or am I the thinly veiled mess of a grrl with insecurities and trust issues a mile deep?
Maybe I’m the serious stern and strong single mother with a sharp edge just barely keeping a grip on things?
Or could I simply be the soft hearted emotional ball of fluff with a bottomless well full of love for all in my life…?

the truth is, I’m a mash up of all of the above… Hyper, mellow, happy, sad, full of hope and fear and tears and giggles.
I’m broken and still holding it together…

Which side do you get to see?
You can’t truly know someone until you experience all facets of their personality… The beauty, and the ugliness behind the façade.
In the moment when you realize who someone truly is, you can choose, to accept and embrace them for all their quirks and flaws and sparks… Or choose to turn your back and walk away.
If you find yourself in this position… Choose wisely. And remember to think about who *you* are… Because you aren’t perfect either.

She was fresh and new and young. 
Alluring, Full of life.
Her eyes, splashed with every earthen color, had such depth that I feared to look too long, and fall through into a magical dark forest, secretly hiding, just on the other side of her innocent gaze.  
There was a light in her that I haven’t seen in a hundred years, intriguing at first, but then it began to drive me mad…
Mad with passion.
Mad with desire.
Then just plain mad.
I descended upon her, like plague of ravenous locusts.
Devouring everything that was sweet and good, until she turned cold. 
Her sweetness turned bitter, and she was devoid of every trait that once drew me to her.
As her light was snuffed out, and her eyes mirrored my own shallow lifeless glare, my senses began to return to me, and the madness lifted…
I had my fill, and left her empty, and walked away without regret.
She knew what I was. She knew what I could do… 
I despised her for being so naive… for so haplessly driving me into it
I contemplated what I had done, just briefly.  I had consumed her soul, and changed her into something more familiar… Ordinary… Boring… 


 

Easter is a big deal in my house. We aren’t religious, and it’s not about candy, but its a big celebration. Like Thanksgiving, but at the opening of Spring. Spring time in of itself is a big deal for us. The winter leaves us feeling depressed and deprived of sunshiney days, and Spring comes along and allows the kids to run around outside more, I get to open my windows and air out the house, Listen to the birdies sing, take walks with my kids, the days are longer, trees start budding and daffodiles start to push their way up through the ground… So we try to make Easter our really special day, all about us. Unlike Christmas, we don’t have to go broke on gifts, or visit with extended family {which is good, at Christmas…} Just my boys and I… We get to really spend a great family day together. Like any other holiday, we have our own traditions. One is our Annual Crazy Easter Cake. Every year its a little different, and as my boys get older I assume it will become a little more intracate. Last years cake was BEAUTIFUL.  Yet it still had some surprises. There were fresh berries, candies, Sprinkles, and hidden sugar cookies… Yup, cookies hidden inside of the cake. Image

We go “all out” on Easter. I prep for much of it in advance so that my kids and I can enjoy much of the day together. While the Turkey cooks all day inside, the kids play with their Easter gifts, usually outside. There is rarely ever any stress on Easter. the kids wake up to easter baskets full of toys and snacks, a little candy, and this year instead of the dreaded Easter grass, I have gotten them new pyjamas to line their baskets {or in our family, buckets} and nestle their gifts and treats into. My kids LOVE pyjamas, so trust me, that’s a bonus. There is usually a light brunch available to them with “pick-ons” {which is what we call snacks – and is also an inside joke/ Steve Miller band reference} to keep them from eating their treats before dinner. Image

Next is the “Egg hunt”  usually there are prizes to be had. Depending on the year it can be anything from sweets, stickers, toy cars one year, and money.  The boys prefer the money {they learn so young}.  

After a long day of playing, and laughing and general over all silliness, the kids are ready for the real feast. For whatever reason I cannot explain, My two children get excited over Easter Turkey Dinner, more than anything else… they start talking about it for days in advance… I find it kind of comical.  I’ve never heard of this phenomenon before. It’s pretty silly sometimes how they dramatize the whole thing. This year they started 2 weeks in advance. 

 ImageSo they wash up and sit down to dinner and stuff themselves like they aren’t ever going to eat again. We all talk about the day, their gifts, the upcoming summer plans, and just about anything else that makes us happy. Just writing about it brings a big smile to my face.

After dinner, the kids are exhausted, I’m exhausted, even our dog is exhausted! But everyone is happy.  There is a renewed strength in our family bond, and thats really what holidays are about, right? Right. 
And that, is this simple grrls idea of true perfection.
This Easter, I wish all of my friends, and family, and anyone else that happens to read this, a wonderful Easter full of love, and happiness.

I dreamt of you last night and when I woke up, I realized that yesterdays date was the one year mark from the last time I actually saw you, hugged you, fixed your collar… I knew things were bad, but I didn’t realize it would be the last time.  I never would have guessed that one month later you’d be gone.  
It’s been a year… and what a year it’s been! I’ve missed you every single day.  Every holiday, birthday, and event, I have shed a tear for you, wishing you could still be here.  I think of how different my life is without you. I think of all the advice you’d have given me, some of it I would take and be grateful for it… some of it I would have wished I had, and saved myself some heartache.  It’s still strange and sad that all I can do is think, remember and wonder what you’d say… I can’t just walk into the next office, or call you up all the time like I used to.  Its been a very painful year without you.  I keep myself busy, too busy sometimes, Just to keep my mind occupied and push back the sadness…  
I know it gets easier, but I doubt it ever gets easy. Because even while I sleep, My soul remembers.

He asked me once… “why are you here with me?”
The look on his face stopped my heart for a moment…
Truthfully there were a million reasons I could give, but in the moment I couldnt find a single word.
I knew what he meant. The context was undeniable. 
He’s always been so Strong, big, tough… he’s got a hard shell, and I’m one of maybe 4 people in this world that gets to see the softer side. but never like this… He has been the object of my highest admiration for the past several years. I always feel so honored to be so close to him…but here he was, looking to me for comforting acknowledgment.
I stared into his dark brown eyes… speechless. 
This was the first time I’ve ever seen his defenses completely down. My hero, My rock, my best friend… I have never loved him more than I did in that moment.
My mind flooded with every moment we’ve shared, every conversation, the laughter, the tears…

I stook a step closer to him, took his great big hand into my two small hands and all I could manage to quietly whisper is “You know exactly why”
He wrapped his arms around me tighter than he ever has before. My face was buried in his chest and I listened to his heart for a while. When he finally let me go, he was already putting his walls back up and prepareing for the outside world.  He took a deep breath and said “we’d better get back, it’s getting late.” I turned around and started towards my car.  He caught hold of my hand and gave me a tug, as I turned to him, he lifted my face, and kissed me gently on the forehead, and softly said “Thank you”
With a smile I replied “I’ll see you later.” and turned away again. I drove away with the warmest feeling in my heart.

Sometimes the simplest things can have such a profound impact.

I feel your presence steal your way across the room, long before you slink up behind me. 
I know why you’re here, and my heart begins to race as my body starts to tremble. 
I’m nervous and excited.
Your lips caress the back of my neck, and a weakness in me, betrays me as I lean back into you. Your arms wrap around me and the heat between us melts me.
Your hands find their way to survey every inch of me and you effortlessly remove my clothing… All the while, your lips never stop, kissing my neck, ears, shoulders… 
Each moment leaving me weaker and completely under your command.  You turn me to face you.  
Shaking, from nervousness and overwhelming anticipation, I search the seemingly endless depths of your deep, dark eyes.
Nothing hidden, and all for you.
You pull me in and kiss me passionately.
You gently lower me down onto my bed…

You’ve got the kind of eyes that could steel my heart.

Your hands like winter drew the life out of me with every touch… .
you chill me to my soul with your Icy glare. I give up, I give in… I succumb to the blackness. will i ever see the light again? will i ever feel the flames that once consumed me?
It’s like you were put in my life to freeze out every spark and drop of warmth I’ve ever possessed… Frozen and numb, my heart is blue…

Blue, like those eyes…

The story of us is long and complex. 
It spans my whole lifeline and until recently I never really considered that you would ever not be a part of my story.
From the beginning things were difficult for you, I know. By the time I came along, you were trying to build something beautiful out of whatever you could manage to make happen.  Life was never easy. Not for you… Not for us… and sometimes things were flat out terrible. Even when I was little I knew that you had your demons to fight… You screwed up/I screwed up…  But one solid undeniable truth always kept us bound tightly together… *you Loved me* You struggled suffered and sacrificed so much in your life… and it was disappointing and disheartening that we never seemed to get ahead and have the beautiful life you wanted for us. But for as hard as it was, there were many many good times too. People on the outside hear stories… {some of which are warped and twisted by an unreliable source} But they weren’t there… they couldn’t ever really understand.  stuck in their own ideals passing judgements as if they had the right… They’ll never understand that you always tried, that you had to figure everything out as you went along, and no matter how difficult it was, you never gave up.
The truth is, the story of us isn’t perfect… but it’s our story. Now, at this point in my life I’ve learned so much… and so much has changed… But one thing never changed – You still Love me, and I’ll always be your little grrl.