You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2013.

When I promised to love you always, no matter what… I took that seriously.  The pledge was iron-clad and welded to my soul. Over time, chains grew like vines and wrapped around me until sun was blocked out and the air became stale. Squeezing me tighter and tighter with each passing year. Now that you’re gone, and the dying brambles have been cut back, I breathe deeply, move freely, and revel in the light. I finally have room to grow… but I can still feel the weight of my vow to you, and though I may chisel away at the place where you were once connected to me, I can never remove all the scorch marks and scars. In that place we were melded together so perfectly, that a part of you will always be a part of me. Memories, both good and bad, still haunt me… Sometimes I still dream of you… wrapping yourself around me again… smothering me into oblivion.
When I wake, and find myself still free, I feel the scars, and stretch and yawn and dance in defiance.

 

Advertisements

Two stars in an alien sky at the mercy of the expansion of space. On their own, just tiny points of light in an endless glittering sea. Two, simple, unnamed, undiscovered stars, found themselves drifting closer, caught up in each others gravitational pull… A celestial dance begun, as they swing round and round drawing ever nearer.. The space between them is compressed and a crushing tension builds. A collision is inevitable and immanent. From the moment they connect, the fusion begins. a blinding light washes over onlooking planets, whom have suddenly taken notice. Two lonely stars now bonded at the core. Together we are brighter than the sun.

Stellar Collision

When I found him, he had no heart.
It had been crushed into dust, leaving a hole in him…I tried to fill that hole, so I gave him my heart,But my heart couldn’t fix the damage done, and was crushed into dust. Leaving me with a hole I cannot fill.

You handed me your heart, to try to fix the damage done… and I hold it in my hands… I could just squeeze… but it wont fix the damage done. No the dust cannot fill the hole where my heart used to be.
So I’ll hand it back to you for safe keeping… and stop this circle of destruction.

Passion comes in all forms.  A driving force… A white hot burning from within, pusing you to dive deeper, run faster, go as far as you can go… and push past your own boundaries.
Your Passion is your magic.
Unchain your soul and run with it.

It started with a single drop, and quickly I was addicted. Constantly craving your poison. It weakened me and changed me. A toxicity grew within meand now I make my own poison.
I don’t need you anymore.
I feel a new sense of power, and I like it. It courses through me like liquid fire. I am compelled to feed it… Constantly dreaming up ways to become more appealing, more addictive, and deadlier than you could ever dream.

She enters each room on a gentle breeze like a butterfly… But her presence is undeniable.
A violent flash of color almost clashes with her cloud soft grace. She silently commands the attention of all in her company. Fair and delicate, it’s almost easy to understimate her, but there is a fire behind those beautiful eyes… a glimmer of the heat just beneath the surface… The flames surround and protect her deepest secrets, and empower her to overcome every challenge and prevail.

A small quiet gasp escaped her as though she were trying to take back her breath that the scene before her had stolen.  Lying across the hood of her car on a relatively cool, though slightly humid August night, staring up at the sky as the meteor shower put on a spectacular show.  It was dark. the darkest place she could find, as far away from the city lights as she could drive. the sound of crickets and katydids as a dull background roar, threatened to drown out the sound of the ocean. but the waves were crashing hard, and she found great comfort in their rhythmic pounding on the shore… she was alone. washed over by a deep sense of peace, far away from the pollution of human influence, far away  from the world she lived in that was poisoned by stress, and sorrow. Here there was only the sky, and the ocean, and the katydids and crickets. Here, life was suspended long enough for her soul to effortlessly slip away from her body and float somewhere between the sea and the stars. Her heart and mind were as open as the universe around her, and she surrendered herself willingly to it. 

Amid the frenzied efforts to rebuild my walls and levies against the rising tides and ever constant flow and overflowing emotion, I caught a glimpse of the changes already taking place.  In that moment, I could see the bigger picture, the pieces beginning to fall into place, building towards a stronger, safer, me.   I was met with a feeling of pride in my work, and a new kind of peace crept up on me. A gentle silence is slowly taming the choppy seas.  A moment to enjoy this small sign of progress is all I needed to redouble my efforts.  I am building, and polishing, and ever changing… 

It’s Valentines day.
I nearly forgot, until Tuesday night it dawned on me that I needed to pick up something special for my kids. I had forgotten that it would be my first Valentine’s day truly alone. I actually breifly forgot all the things that had me dreading this day since February first. Last year was my first valentines day without a husband, and here I am a whole year later, and the loss I feel the most, is for the man who was my rock, my anchor, the man who took a huge piece of my heart with him when he passed away. Last year he sent me flowers and candy… blah blah blah. It was nice to always be thought of, remembered, and reminded that someone in this world, with nothing to gain or lose, cared for me, and believed in me. I’d do anything… literally… for one more hug from him. This year, it’s me and my kids… and we are making the very best of it, as we always do. =) Last night, we cheated and began our own little celebration. I made us a nice dinner, made a big batch of my very yummy cookies, and gave the boys a movie, which we watched together. It was an interesting evening, and gave me even more reason to feel better, and reflect on so much. You see, I very recently purchased a washer and dryer… something I had been meaning to do for a while, but put off as other things came up. when they were installed there was some kind of problem with the dryer… it *seemed to* be functioning, yet my clothes were not getting dry… so frustrating! A little over a year ago, I would have felt powerless to fix it without help from a man. This however, is not an option in my life… so, after dinner, but before our cookies and movie, I got in there and figured it out and fixed it myself. Yes, that’s right *I* fixed it all by myself. A seemingly small victory for most was a big deal for me. It’s a notch in my growth chart, and I instantly began to feel better. I thought about all I have been through in my life… all I have been through in the past year-plus, and all I am going through now… {the list continues to grow…} I’m still standing. My world is not crumbling. *I* am not crumbling. I may be going through some kind of emotional retraction… but thats not crumbling. thats for the sake of building my own strength. So this Valentines day, I stand alone. But I’m standing. And I’m proud that I can stand alone… That I can hold my own. I am strong enough to be alone, because it’s better than being unhappy, or treated in a manner than is not suitable. I will remain strong, and I will continue to stand on my own, free to be myself, a good, kind and loving woman/mother/friend… because I can. I shouldn’t settle for less than I deserve just so that I won’t be alone. Being alone isn’t so bad. Even on Valentines day.

This past Sunday I woke up – different…
I stopped talking to everyone I know. I couldn’t see the point. There was a pretty big snowstorm friday night. Saturday was all about, digging out, and playing in the snow, with my kids and our dog. Saturday night, while our exhausted dog was sacked out at our feet, my kids and i stayed up late watching a marathon of shows and movies. we had laughs and snuggles and it honestly was a perfectly wonderful day and night. But Sunday morning i woke up for work and felt “off”… the feeling grew through out the day. i knew it was likely best if i just keep to myself until i felt better. Every one has a bad day, and it passes… Today is Wednesday. I honestly expected that no one would notice… I was surprised when people did. I never realized how much time and energy I put into staying connected to the poeple in my life. and with this sudden stop, I have a new perspective on all of it. I’m having tremendous difficulty trying to conjure up the words and even feelings that flowed so freely just last week. even this post… it’s hard to put these words down… i am constantly fighting an urge to give up and delete everything I’ve written thus far. But I see some need to chronicalize this anomaly in my behavior. and so, here i am… Having expected that no one would notice, and being genuinely surprised by how many have, you would think that would be enough to bring me back around… no luck. clearly the problem is something in me, that perhaps just froze over… people don’t just stop talking for 4 days. it’s not normal. *I* don’t just stop talking for 4 days… but i honestly don’t know what to say. only one thought drowns out all the others… that nothing i have to say could possibly matter… so why bother…?
now, don’t get me wrong… I haven’t gone mute. I still have a job, day-to-day-responsibilities, and children to raise. so common, short, meritless phrases and responses are still necessary. but its all so cold. I honestly don’t have anything of merit to say. what-so-ever.

I recall countless times during the last few years when my over-sensitive heart had me broken down and in tears, how i wished to simply be numb, go cold. how i resented having such intense feelings, and how easily manipulated that makes me. “Be careful what you wish for.” {Though I’m not sure that I want to go back… I don’t see why i should. But I am…}
Today, I am beginning to thaw. I went out last night and tried to unleash everything thats going on in my life to the one person who has actually been going through it *with me* for the past several years… And here i am today. trying to chronicalize this deep chill. before the phase is passed. Maybe this is a defense mechanism.
Sometimes when i think of all thats going on right now… i wonder how it is that i’m suviving… and then the question of how is it that my are children thriving? last week i would have told you that i have aboslutely no clue. this week i can clearly see, and can honestly tell you the absolute answer for my childrens ability to live, grow, and thrive, through the most unreal, unfair, dreadful divorce conditions… the answer is undoubtedly and undeniably LOVE.
something i turned off on Sunday.
My job now is to get back to being myself. Not for me… but for them. There is no other point.