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I often imagine myself elsewhere…  Happier and free of stress

Keeping reality at bay to steal little moments of imaginary nirvana.

frequently my fantasies are of beautiful secluded warm beaches, sun, sand, the steady heartbeat, in time with the ebb and flow of the ocean waves…

Sometimes daydreams of quaint and quiet clearings deep in the woods somewhere where no one could possibly find me, certainly safe, and surrounded by nature.

No matter where I imagine myself on these little mental getaways, the fact remains that it’s always someplace where no one else is around, no other people.  Lately though these thoughts include someone else…

I imagine a beautiful beach and i can take in the whole scene with all of my senses… the sounds of the ocean, the breeze, the feel of my feet in the sand, the heat, the smell of the ocean, the sea spray, the baking of the sand, my conoconut sunblock mixed with the sweet summer sweat, and when he’s with me, i hear the change in how the roar of the waves hit my ear on his side,  I hear his breathing, smell the sun on his skin, and the feel of his hand, warm and slick, fingers interlaced with mine, the electric hum that flows from his body to mine and from mine to his through that simple gentle connection.  a shared feeling of peace and security.

I see him more and more in my occasional contrived jaunts, and imaginary vacations.  I ventured to think that it was wishful thinking based on a mutual need for some reduction in stress in our lives and my desire to bring him happiness…  but today i realize it’s because I’ve had a glimmer of this heaven, right here in my own room.  Lying in my lovers arms, comfortably cuddled up together, quiet, peaceful, I felt his heartbeat pass through my body.

That was my sliver of bliss.

A moment in time which no one could ever take from me, the quiet simple satisfaction ever so gently but undeniably permanently etched into the surface of my soul

Perfection.

Originally written in late November/Early December 2012

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A storm is coming…wickedly brewing, it’s threatening rumble and roar is calling out across the distance, like a battle-cry.  Feverishly riding in on a wild wind, to wrap it’s vicious arms around all that is dear.  When it arrives it will be violent, it will be destructive, it will tear down all the walls, the structures the overgrowth and the shelters ever built. All will be lost, and the most precious pieces will be carried off never to be seen again. All this damage will be done without concern or reasoning…  The  pounding of the rain will pummel flat and drown anything else left behind… the flood will wash away the debris.  Afterwards, all will be clean, and new, and emptiness is all that will remain…  However,  Even in loss, something is gained. A peaceful calm will open up, Shelters will be rebuilt even stronger. Defiant green vines will take root in deeper soils, their gripping, searching, tendrils will reach higher and entangle themselves tighter. New walls shall be built and fortified… for when Love blows through again. 

This is a random jumble of nonsense that i wrote a very long time ago.  Recently, I’ve been revisiting old memories. All of them seem sort of bittersweet right now.  I know its sophomoric, but it was and is mine.  I remember how it felt like a great release to get this out, even in its raw and unrefined form. i choose to keep it this way.

Feel Like The Ocean

Sometimes i feel like the ocean,
My emotions flow in and out,
churning and crashing…
My crests are high and my valleys low.
My love will never know me.
sometimes i like it that way.
and sometimes it feels a gaping hole in the center of me.
i will never truly understand either,
just flow, move, sway, curl and crash.
what else can i do?
its an eternal torture.
he is like the moon,
he pulls me here and there,
i follow.
i’ll never reach him.
i know this yet i still try.
if i could swallow all the world and be left alone, it still wouldn’t stop this.
he moves me.
and all i can do is adore him from afar.
and hope he sees me,
once in a while,
in all my blue glory.
all my love.
 

Yes, this was for someone who is no longer in my life.

I no longer feel this way… But i did – once. Long ago.

I’ve evolved a bit since then. I’ve grown and come to realize that i have much more value than i ever gave myself credit for.  I’m not really ashamed of it, but even a bit proud.  Proud of how far I’ve come. To be able to look back on myself, and see where i stand now.  I am, as ever, a work in progress. But certainly standing head and shoulders above where i once was.  Moving forward it always the goal, but looking back sometimes serves as inspiration to keep going. with every step forward, it’s also a step upward.  every step is difficult in its own way, but going back is impossible now.  I could never.  I needed this moment, this small flashback…  reset myself for my Journey on to happiness.