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The process of healing  is a long one.  Its a personal Journey through all of the terrain of ones heart and soul. The trick is in trying to get through it gracefully!

Yes, I *do* believe people have souls. I may not understand it to be the same as in a bible or any other particular religion, but there is something in each person that makes us unique.  And we absolutely are each unique on the inside…

The last few months have been tumultuous to say the least, and in that time I have slowly begun to evolve, to change and grow.  All the while, I am working on healing and scarring over the wounds that are still so fresh and tender.

But there is real evidence of healing… the cure lives within me and it’s working hard.  I went back over some old journal entries of mine and was almost surprised to see how much anger, and bitterness there was.

I’ve never considered myself a petulant person. Because in my heart I’ve always felt that t is my nature to be loving and an altruistic person.

And that is my true nature. I see her rising to the surface more and more and I am proud of that.

I have always been a simple grrl, sincere, generally guileless and even perhaps a little naive… and My true self has never been too far from reach but over time it appears as though some thorny vines of cynicism grew all around me and choked out the light within for a while…  It took an extensive, life altering event  to come through like a weed-whacker and free me from the binds.  Though not quite fully extracted at once, Part of the procedure here, is to remove the thorns myself before the real transformation from wound to scar can begin.

Lucky for me, a few good souls came to my rescue… I’ve said it before, and I will say it a million times more My friends have been my saving grace through out this entire catastrophe.  It may seem redundant but the truth is, They are the glue that holds me together.  The encouragement to keep fighting, keep trying, keep my head up and most of all keep moving.

In the very beginning, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I had abandoned all hope.  And I would have remained this way indefinitely if not for the encouragement and efforts of my loved ones that came to my rescue.  Now, I can stand, and even, surprisingly, I am able to make forward movements… Yes, Progress!

Now, to be honest there are some days when I feel so low and i seem to slow to a halt… there are other days when i gather real momentum and i feel like i can not be stopped. On those days i try to perpetuate that momentum… go with the flow of it, let it push me toward what i want and feel i deserve. Those are the days i feel like there is truely hope and i feel/see that i am already healing… the scarring begins… I dont mind the scars too much. because i come by them honestly, they are tough, and one day those too will fade.  It may not ‘seem’ beautiful…  but I’ll be whole and standing tall and that is beautiful from this perspective here.

While working on this very post, I lost a dear friend to cancer.  I needed to walk away from this entry for a while, because losing a loved one is a whole new level of healing that i now need to work on.

I find myself in a mountain range, surrounded by many of lifes hardships to overcome. I am trying to compartmentalize these mountains… that is an interesting process in of itself.  I don’t know if it’s right, or healthy, but it is my instinct to do so… I am trying to breakdown mountains/ mole hills/ and footpaths along this journey of mine, and place them all into little boxes.  And it’s seemingly less difficult than criss-crossing my analogies here, But I haven’t gotten the hang of it just yet, and who knows if it will really work.

I guess it all goes back to the million and one clichés about taking things one day at a time, or one step at a time, etc… Yes, you’ve heard a few… haven’t you?

I suppose the point I am attempting to make here is that the healing happens…  it IS happening…  even though it still hurts, even when new pain comes…  that too will heal.

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a perfect bubble floats here

with me inside of it.

its soft and smooth and distorts the view on everything around me, just enough to make it beautiful.

I am comfortable here, inside my bubble.

For many years I was defined by others, by my situation and station within that situation…

Recently I feel somewhat undefined.

Sure I can throw a bunch of words out there that could give you an idea as to the general… but who I am, is what I’ve been trying to discover.   Not too long ago someone told me that I can decide who/what I am.  {He decided to be something a bit off the richter scale, which works for him, and makes him happy} But the concept of truly deciding… Choosing didn’t really sink in right away…  I was still trying to “discover” and I’ve been feeling much like an unsuccessful archaeologist…  digging, testing, searching… not finding that big “AH-HA!!” that puts me on the map.  

There is a movie that I absolutely ADORE  called the Iron Giant. If you haven’t seen it, you must. I don’t care if it’s animated… it was good.  The point of the movie is the Iron Giant doesn’t know what he is, and he’s different, and people FEAR him, all but a small boy named Hogarth and his beatnik artist friend who runs a junkyard… You know the kind of folks that think differently, openly.  The point is that the Iron Giant gets to CHOOSE who he wants to be…  He was built with all kinds of weaponry, but did not want to be a gun. he wanted to be SUPERMAN! 

 

AH-HA!  That’s what I’m doing here…  I get to CHOOSE who I am. Who I want to be.  *I* choose. 

My first choice was made without me even realizing that I was doing so. I chose to stand up for myself, to take no more abuse and stop the cycle. I Decided that I would change my life, my world, my whole existance…  just to stop the abuse.

“I am me.  I am exactly who I seem to be.”  These are words I have used to describe myself many times before…  and for the most part I felt that was fairly saying that “I am not fake, and not trying to pretend to be someone that I am not…” It also wasn’t actually saying anything for who I am.

Here’s somethings I Choose to be:

 STRONG;   I may never have felt myself so bold as to say so, but that’s what I am deciding to be every day that goes by, and I do what I know is right, whether I like it or not, even when it hurts like hell.  If i get knocked to my knees, yes, I don’t like it.  But I still get up again.

KIND;  Because let’s face it, it’s not a good feeling to be angry and hardened.  It’s good for my soul to let my nature shine though. It’s good for my kids to see how people *should* treat each other, and it’s good for other people to not have to deal with another heartless selfish soul.  I believe that with kindness and a loving nature, anyone can leave a situation better than how they found it.  I intend to do that for my whole life…  Use loving kindness to make it better than how it was before.

FORGIVING; Because holding a grudge can never help anything. Ever. Now, don’t mistake this for being aloof and letting things drop that should be stood up for.  There is clearly right and wrong, and like the yin-yang neither side is perfectly good or perfectly bad…  but the fact remains.  There is a right and a wrong… sometimes when there is wrong, following through on ensuring those wrongs are righted, override “forgiveness” but once justice prevails Forgiveness is necessary, for true healing to begin.

UNDERSTANDING:  Because sometimes there will be people, situations, and such, that I don’t exactly agree with, and may not be able to change, but if I cannot change it, I must understand. Adapt. Move on.

RESPONSIBLE; Yes, I will be responsible for my life, for my kids lives for my actions, for my home, for my finances, for my job, and for anything that comes up, under my watch, for the rest of my life. I will no longer allow myself to rely on anyone else to make my dicisions, and therefore I will be responsible for whatever outcome of my own.

Here are some things I choose not to be:

A VICTIM; Yeah, I allowed that to go on long enough. Never again.

WEAK;  Because I now know that I CAN be strong, who wants to go back to weakness?

RULED BY FEAR;  I cannot say I will be “fearless” but I will no longer allow my fear to control me. *I* choose! *I* control me! I will muster up any and all brevity that I can find… I will build on it. I will let that push me through my fear.

Here are some things I CHOOSE to work on;

SELF-RELIANCE; Because I don’t want for my family to have to live on child support and/or spousal support forever!  {not that I get any spousal support now, and frankly, I’m seriously considering letting that go by the wayside} Part of being free is not needing him for anything anymore.  He has his obligation, yes, but the sooner that I can get out from under that, the better off we all will be.

PROUD; Well, when I should be, at least… but I instead would feel ashamed, even when I deserve to be proud. I will often catch myself clouding up my own happiness with negativity.  NO MORE! 

And finally and certainly most importanly… **I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY**!!!  {because I deserve it}

A few/or several months ago, I was enduring some significant abuse…  during this time, I was completely robbed of any sense of self worth or value. This is fact. I truly believed I was worthless. But my head and my heart KNEW it was wrong… and I had a moment of clarity.

In this moment I quick sent myself a short message because the urge to write was welling up in me and when that happens, I need to write something… somewhere… somehow!

This is what I told myself:

It all makes sense from rock bottom.

Suddenly everything seems to be part of some universal tapestry.

Even the most arcane detail meshes into some grande scheme.

And you wonder why you haven’t seen it before.

Perhaps we must become cold to understand heat.  We must be empty to know how to fill up. Darkness brings us appreciation of light, and weakness brings us to our knees so we can become strong, to get back on our feet… 

The silence of being alone helps me hear my conscience scream “GET UP GRRL!!  STAND UP AND *FIGHT*!!!

 

I was meaning to add to it. to fill it out and build it up… that was a small, bare bones, piece of what was running through my mind that day in November…  I’m so very glad that I no longer live with that level of soul crushing misery.

I am going through some very very tough times in my life… This is the undeniable truth.  But I’m on the good red road, so to speak, and its full of rocks and dips… but I’m moving… somewhere… towards *something*.

I’m so glad I found that message to myself.  It seemed to be fated, that I should find it now.