You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2012.

Distance… It’s not quite what it used to be. Long distances are bridged more and more by technology. It’s a beautiful thing. Making the phrase “small world” seem like an understatement at times.  But when you’re missing a loved one who is 2/3 across the country, and you know you just don’t belong in the place where you are at… It can feel like  238,855 miles {for the curious- that’s the average distance from the earth to the moon [according to nasa]} clearly not impossible. But it certainly feels that way.

I’m feeling like I’m lost in space.  My dearest friends throw me a life line and reel me in as often as they can. And I truly love them for it.  It’s good to feel loved, and wanted, and like I matter to someone. It helps to keep me grounded, really.  But some days I simply drift away… off into space again. When I realized I have done this, I often end up in the same thinking pattern… wondering, “why am I here again?” and “Where would I rather be?”  I used to ask “where do I belong?”  but I have long since decided that this is an unanswerable question. Asking myself where I would rather be is easier to answer and certainly something I can plan for.

There is so much uncertainty involved with going through a divorce.  Its almost like having your whole life go through a blender. Vrooom! Now its all mixed up and mushy. {yuck} But I don’t regret it, because I know it is what’s right. I will become stronger and rebuild. In fact, I began that process months ago, and everyday I make progress. These are all things that I try to tell myself {and frequently have loved ones remind me} to keep things in perspective. To refocus my energies to the positive.  I have extracted myself from the hostile environment I existed in, and through positive energies {either given or received}, I extract more of the poison that sank in over the years. This is My truth.

It’s the farthest thing from easy {more than  238,855 miles}… But it’s so worth it.

But still… there are times, just like now, when I wish I was far away from all of the chaos and the nitty-gritty of building/rebuilding my life.. and I drift.

Remember to tell your loved ones how you feel about them.  Do it, often, and with sincerity. Appreciate them openly, you will never regret it, you can only regret missing the opportunity to love them, and to receive love in return…

Someone I love dearly is losing his battle with cancer.  Today I talked to him and got the news that he’s taking a turn for the worst. My heart breaks.  I likely wont see him again. It’s already been a few weeks since I saw him last, and I held onto the hope he would still turn it around… We’ve been through this before.  This is actually his 4th round of cancer.  I’m not exactly sure what to say, because a lot of what I’m feeling is sort of selfish.  Now, I would genuinely do anything to take this away from him. But I can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life. It all seems so “Me, me, me”… *I*don’t want him to go… *I* miss him. etc… It just hurts so much.

How is the right way to act when you learn that someone you love is suffering and dying?  I initially was in disbelief. I found myself asking over and over again the same question… hoping beyond hope that the answer would change.  It didn’t.  I broke down and cried.  This is a man who was a friend, a mentor, a father figure. An important member of my “family” and now… well… this.

There is so much that is bitterly tragic about his scenario.  This is a man who came to America from Greece when he was 13 during a time of revolution there. He came here and had to work hard, learn more, and apply himself more diligently than his peers. He built himself a wonderful life. He’s accomplished so much in his lifetime.  By the time I met him, he didn’t need to work. but he did it because he HAD to keep moving. He HAD to be productive. He had do have purpose.  When he met me, he had a reputation for hating women, and being an angry old curmudgeon…  This couldn’t be farther from the truth. There is a genuine tenderness in him that most people didn’t take the time to recognize.   He and I clicked instantly. We became fast friends and he took me under his wing.  I’ve worked closely with him for a few years and in that time we became very much like family.  I don’t quite have the words that adequately define the emotional recoil of this recent turn for the worst… and the subsequent impact on day to day life as well.

I am a passionate person… -No, don’t get ahead of yourself there… What I mean by that is, when I care about something, or someone… I do so -full on! Not partially, because that’s not real or sincere. I am sincere, and generously caring.  Granted, not everyone can handle that… which is perfectly understandable. But those who do and stick around, know and understand how and why things impact me the way they do…  I can be so mellow and relaxed about the little things… the unimportant BS that people get bent over, doesn’t matter… I don’t believe in holding grudges. {please note that, like with anything, there are always exceptions} I don’t stay angry, and I’ve always got lots of love to give… I respond to love as well, on those exceptions when I am angry or what have you… But This isn’t exactly the point… just a tangent.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again many times – I am not like most others…  I say exactly how I feel to the people I care for. I am all out there. The first thing I do when I’m hurting is reach out to the people I am closest with.  I had a couple of my dearest reach out to me. One in particular, let me vent to him via txt and had lots of intelligent, reassuring things to say, as he always does… I made certain that he knew exactly how much that meant to me…  Another really made all the difference when he found out what was going on, he just gave me a huge hug, because he knew that was exactly what I needed at that time.  I called him up a little while later just to tell him that I love him and appreciate all he does for me.  For most people, it may seem a bit shocking to say these things, I know first hand how powerful it can be to hear them.

My dear friend has said many endearing and encouraging things to me over the years I have known him. And I am grateful that he KNOWS undoubtedly that he means so much to me. That hes had a positive and powerful impact on my life.

Yet, still…   I wish I could fix this. Bring him back to health. Back to how he was 5 years ago. Before he was diagnosed with cancer.

what makes people “connect” ?

what makes people clash?

I’m not sure I will ever understand the science/magic/ or what have you behind it… but I am no more immune to it than anyone else.

It’s a bizarre human dynamic that fascinates me… especially when I am caught up in the clutches.

I just got off the phone with an ex boyfriend, who later on became a friend, and has been a part of my life for roughly 18 years.  I was shocked to see his number come up, and before I could even hit the answer button on the phone, my mind flooded with the memory of his voice and nuances and the many memories we shared.   His voice is the same, his cadence too.  It’s a comfort but that’s where that ended.  A few sentences into the conversation and it was blatantly apparent why he and I didn’t work out and never really had a chance…

“Chemistry”

It’s just not there.

I am not unattractive… he’s  noticed.  He’s not unattractive… but I don’t really care.   I’ve never been like other grrls… I do occasionally find myself attracted to someone… but it’s rare and special and the best part of it all is that crazy chemical rush. Sparks fly.  It doesn’t just count for romantic relationships though, You could talk to someone and your personalities just click,  and you know that they are compatible with you,  lots of  life long friends are made and kept that way…  And everyone knows that.  Whoever you are, reading this right now… think of your very best friend.  You know what I mean…

But there’s something magical in meeting somebody for the first time and getting weak in the knees and feeling that magnetism. That twinkly warm delicious pull to be near to him. You find yourself standing closer, randomly touching their arm during conversation, you feel that charge, and flirting takes over.  Your head spins, you stop making sense, suddenly everything is hilarious and you stand closer still. Oh wickedly powerful chemistry. So irresistible.  You hardly know him and already you’re thinking about kissing him.  what would it be like? If I start, could I stop? Fighting to resist {if you’re a good grrl you will – otherwise, well you might be in trouble here} but your mind keeps reeling back to it. *..::*sigh*::..*

We all yearn for that feeling we can share with someone… I am recently separated, and went quite sometime without the attraction feeling, and I still find myself thinking about it.  So trust me… we ALL want that feeling.

But what on earth is it? What causes it?  Can it be trusted?  Why is it you can feel it for some people, and not for others?

Some people believe it is purely scientific.  Hormones released to tell us when and who to procreate with… that makes sense I guess.  Maybe on paper.  *I* don’t feel that way.  Let’s face it… I’m DONE procreating. Done.  Yet not immune to attraction.  Some cultures believe that arranged marriages work better because they are not based on these feelings and desires… I suppose if you don’t know any better, then perhaps you just make whatever you have, work for you.  I’m not stranger to that.  I spent YEARS holding on to a marriage that was dead of all feeling. {for the record, that didn’t work out so good… just sayin’}  I have missed that heat, and the cold spot that was left in it’s place is awkwardly distracting and uncomfortable. So though it may be scientific for some… It is not for me.

So many of us want to believe its all magical,  like something from a fairy tale… Hmmm.  It sure *feels* that way doesn’t it? In the moment at least.  But that’s putting too much faith in something that could be fleeting.  What happens when it cant be sustained? Is the next one magic? And the one after that? Jeez sounds like you could get emotional whiplash like that.  I want to fall… but I don’t want to fall victim to nonsense.

There are cynics out among us, that refuse to believe in any of it. Like the arranged marriages of other cultures {yes it is still happening in some little known villages around the world} there are many people that believe that a good relationship is built on things such as religious beliefs, financial status, political connection… etc…{ feck, there are some dummies out there who get married because their FRIENDS told them they should! WTH?!?}  Buncha-bananas is what a wise lil monkey I know would say about that.

My going theory is that I am resoundingly clueless… I don’t know what to believe or expect. I undeniably am vulnerable to that mystical, sparkling, twinkling, magnetic, magical/chemical/certainly not mythical attraction…  I’d like to hope that if I ever find myself in the unique position of ever being in a relationship again, it would be with someone that I can share the same tastes and views and joys and sorrows and goals with, that I also experience that rush with, and share the attraction/flirting/ lust, but who can also be patient, because getting to truly know someone takes a long time, and needs to happen the right way, because that spark can’t be all there is… and there is so much to connect or even clash over… The going theory in my mind/heart is that the right one should be a good combination, without too much compromise.  And half the fun is getting to that point of understanding… The other half… well that’s up to you once you get there.

Who knows if I will ever find myself there.  I used to believe not. A lot of that doubt was based in my previous experiences with relationships… but those “experiences” are nearly laughable. They consist of a few “boyfriends” in my teen age years… and a 15 yr marriage to someone that wasn’t ever right for me. {and vice versa} So… Part of my new life consists of me gathering hope.  I will work on me, and do as I do… I guess we’ll just see what happens from there. =)

What can I say about days like this one?

Nothing in particular happened, yet I feel like I have been chased down and cornered into a fierce battle with my undeterrable stalker -depression.

Like I said, nothing out of the usual happened.  I just have this low, heavy feeling, that I cannot dismiss.  It makes me distant and somewhat withdrawn.  I’ve tried to battle it with music, {which does sometimes help}… with positive thoughts, {which are few and far between today} with keeping busy, {another good weapon, and BOY am I busy!}… and even reached out to my beloved sister in Colorado. She actually helped a bit, but the distance is so great from her and I really feel it on days like today where I could use a warm hug, and five minutes of crying my head off to her, because she knows my particular brand and brew of depression and always knows just what to say to set me right. 

But, in an effort to be a stronger person, I will keep fighting, and let that damn persistent and parasitic beast, get tired of chasing me.  I will… because I must.

I usually have much encouragement to hand to my friends, with plenty of silliness and giggles on tap.  I was this way yesterday. Yesterday!  Yet, today it feels like a distant memory… why?

Who knows really… I often find myself wondering how I can be such a hypocrite sometimes. I just sent a long email to an old friend trying to cheer him up. But when I need cheering, I withdraw, or even sometimes push people away. I know I do it… and I catch myself, and try to fight the urge.

I question everything… Is this normal?  Even this post… I am forcing myself to write this right now because writing often helps me get out of my gloomy headspace… I also suppose it puts a beacon out there into the world. But I even question the validity of writing this post right now.  Am I just some pesty grrl that has nothing really valuable to say?  Am I wasting time and feeling sorry for myself?  Hmm.. Maybe.   Though I hope to gain something from this.

Aside from the release from tension, that writing provides, I hope that I can follow my train of thoughts here and perhaps, with a happier disposition, I can give myself the same kind of advice I would bestow upon my loved ones.

This seems like a good idea… in theory.  But even the worst disasters seemed like a good idea at some point… right?

What I would like to do, is list a few things that cheer me up and perhaps in time i will come back to this post, and add more items to my list.  So here goes;

Music, happy up beat hyper music that makes me move and sing {badly}

Hugs from loved ones, friends, family, it’s all good!

Random Jokes, stupid cheap giggles, could be anything silly!

Chocolate, {srsly, I’m a grrl<- we LOVE chocolate}

Walking anywhere on a nice day.

Sunsets, so many are beautiful.

The Beach,  nothing better than escaping to the beach. I love everything about the beach!

Baking is fun, but then the eating of the goodies makes me feel guilty. {and give me a tummy ache}

Coffee! {omg thats a big one!}  Coffee with a friend is probably the BEST medicine of all time!

Accomplishment – this applies to anything substantial, be it a daunting task at work or getting all the laundry done, even making a nice meal, because lets face it, when I’ve got the blues I dont want to do anything. But when its done, I do feel better.

Taking a nice hot shower, with my favorite conoconut scented soaps. =) Heck maybe even a hot bath! Though I never really have time or privacy for that…

Sitting by the fire, either the fire pit, or the fireplace. Doesn’t matter. Both are lovely.

Reading, just for fun. I don’t take enough time to do this lately…

Watching a good movie. A GOOD movie… my standards are unique!

Playing with my dog. Because she’s just a ball of fluffery love.

That’s all I can think of off the cuff… but already find myself feeling remarkably improved. I think I will head home and try to appease myself with some of the above listed items.  =)

This is my second post, as I gain followers, I hope to learn from others. Some tips tricks and suggestions are always welcome!

Kindness in your heart will speak for you, when your words fail you…

I have given this a lot of thought lately. I am often unsure of what to say, or if what I’m saying is good enough. One thing I am certain of, is that if you know me… and understand that small soft place that I am coming from, then you will get my meaning even if I blurt out something ridiculous.

This goes the same in the other direction as well.

My thoughts have been more frequently turned toward peoples “spirit” {so to speak} lately and I find myself with many questions and many theories to fill in the gaps of my own understanding…

What makes some people so cold hearted and mean spirited?

I cannot understand the depths to which some people will go to be self serving.  I wonder if they were mishandled or if there is some part of their psyche that is poorly wired or even just plain damaged. I like to believe that most people can become kinder. Only a few are inherently “bad”. I have much hope for the grande masses though, I believe that almost anyone can be taught to be kinder, by example.

Which leads me to the main point…

Some people are seemingly made of goodness.  This is a concept I have only recently developed, and the theory is gathering weight as each day goes by.

To truly understand my meaning, I will need to share a small piece of my own history.  -I had been, for many years, in an abusive marriage which is recently ended. {the divorce is not final as of this date, but the process is well in the works}

I have not been exposed to many people outside my small scope of reality, for a a good many years. I only now, have the opportunity to step out into the world, and meet new people and learn about them and what makes them tick, and what makes them unique.  I have discovered that in times of trial, some people seek you out to prey on you, for their own advantages, yes… this is the sad truth… But, there are others…

When my marriage came to an end, it was like a landmine went off in the middle of my whole life. the shrapnel of my existence lie about me on the ground, and more shards have disbursed themselves off into the distance.  So many pieces. The task of picking them up is a daunting one…

Kindness and grace found its way to me from all around… The people that love me came forward and rallied around me. They became the soldiers of my heart, defending the light of my spirit. The pieces slowly began to collect and reassemble. The job is not complete and there are a great many holes, but I am stronger every day, and I find that when I stumble, and I need to be picked up. I can turn to my loved ones and they are right there… Even from 1800 miles away.  I am forever grateful.

Since then I have gotten out a bit, met new friends and discovered something intriguing.  There are some people that are wired like me… with an enormous capacity for kindness.  These people still surprise me every day.  I am proud to know them and plan to keep them in my life, and return all the love I can give.

It’s actually easier to show kindness than it is to reject someone. And sometimes, its easier to help someone else than it is to help yourself. Remember the last time you felt your heart sink over something, and there was that one unexpected comment that made you feel better.

The other day I had a moment where I felt my spirit dropping because I was trying to describe something to a friend and began to feel worthless.

My friend said *** “Stop! You are important to me”*** and stole my breath away.

One simple sentence.  Profoundly powerful moment.

I remember when the thoughts found their way back into my head, the first thing that occurred to me was that this may very well be the best thing anyone could ever say to me. Instantly I was shaken from the downward slope I was on and placed upright, with a good view of what was going on there. My spirits were lifted because after all… I am important to someone, someone good, someone real, someone that has NOTHING to gain from me. Yes, my dear, dear friend. You are important to me too.

It doesn’t have to be that profound either.  A moment of measured silence while a friend rants on and on about something that is bothering them… A silly gesture… An inside joke… heck a random tickle perhaps?

The point is Kindness is all around us. In some places it is more concentrated than others, but its contagious and it grows… Take a moment to recognize it for what it is, and then start small. Tell your friends and family that you like them… tell them why you like them, give them examples, traits, stories… Reminisce with your loved ones…  Hug a co worker that’s having a crummy day… Compliment a stranger…

It isn’t rocket science, but common decency.